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What people did before the ubiquitous cell phone became available – nothing, apparently – besides sex without having to sign a binding contract.

An unrecognizable Antonia Banderas Mickey Rourke as, believe it or not, an arbitrager – hey, Mickey, dat youuuuuu??? – lays siege to an undeniably beautiful Melanie Griffiths Kim Basinger before plastic surgery.

He likes to cook. Of course he does.

And, it’s the happenin’ ’80s, so we must cue boppin’ to the Walkman. Answering machines. CD players.Slide projectors. Sweaty, back-lit masturbatory fantasies. Garter belts and dark stockings. Actual dial telephones with a ring tone that can’t be changed. Phone booths..

Etchings. A taste of honey. Kinda like today’s foodie blog.

I quite enjoyed v1.0 of a seemingly happy-looking Mickey and Kim.

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Snow in the bush. What’s the big deal?

The kid has two little girls to play with on play dates. The mother needs orthodontics and a hair extensions. Oh ya, and she needs to learn how to cut a PB&J sammich into triangles with no crust. That lack in itself is a hanging offence as far as I can tell.

More snow in the bush.

Normal life in a Canadian winter for six months at a time, followed by six months of bad sledding. Like I said, what’s the big deal?

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Puppies.

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1983

Nukes launch. Nukes fall. Jason Robards arrives in the nick of time to find his house inhabited by a band of merry squatting pranksters. He manages to chase them off, only to discover it’s the wrong address. He moves on to another pile of rubble and thankfully expires. Fake news.

2018

The presidential Shitstain nukes his own country with tariffs that mostly fall on the states that supported him in his landslide to victory. No fake news there.

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CITIZENS: It’s the karate kids.

SHERIFF BRODY of the immaculate hair: I’ll get right on that.

COUNCILLORS: It’s not a shark!

SHERIFF BRODY otih: It’s sharks. They’re everywhere.

COUNCILLORS: It’s not a shark!

SHERIFF BRODY: Thinks his wife is a shark.

SHERIFF BRODY’S HARPY WIFE: Does my ass look fat in this bathing suit?

SHERIFF BRODY: Rules. And camel toe.

QUINN THE ESKIMO: Sharks!

THE SHARK GUY: It’s a shark!

SHERIFF BRODY: It’s not a shark.

THE SHARK GUY: Bite radius.

COUNCILLORS: It’s a fish.

WOMAN IN BLACK: It’s all SHERIFF BRODY’s fault.

THE SHARK GUY: Red or white. What will it be?

SHERIFF BRODY: Does my wife’s ass look fat in that bathing shit?

THE SHARK GUY: Camel toe. Let’s cut the not-the-shark open. The shark ate the boat.

EVERYONE: Shark!

QUINN THE ESKIMO: Let us have another drink.

NRA: The only thing that stops a big bad fish is a good NRA man with a gun.

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An unknown beast harasses a nudist colony out in the desert. When the lost colony is deserted by the locals who abhor nudies, the feds send in their lead Bigfoot expert. Unbeknownst

OH MY GOD

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Word. Zippo®.