* * * SPOILER ALERT * * *

Tight corsets. Heaving bosoms. Treacherous, deceitful women. Double-crossing, double-dealing men. Sunshine, sand, and wind-filled canvas. Pirate treasure. Much cursing. Need I say it again? Betrayal. What say you?

Arrrr, Billy.

I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,
And the wheel’s kick and the wind’s song and the white sail’s shaking,
And a grey mist on the sea’s face, and a grey dawn breaking. –John Masefield

* * * SPOILER ALERT * * *

HaTs. It’s about HaTs. HaTs and a good caning. Yes, that’s it. It’s all about the HaTs and a good caning.

Also, Bond. James Bond Crockett and Tubbs someone pretending to be an Irishman drives through a poor man’s Florida and takes over the demon rum business out in the swamps. Much gunfire ensues.

HaTs.

* * * SPOILER ALERT * * *

W.T.F.

Who are these annoying people? Why are they so uninteresting? Who’s doing the talking? What are they saying? Turn on the frigging lights so I can see.

Por favor.

Rouge* 1: 0, because you can’t even smear lipstick on this pig, and even if you could, it would still be a lipstick-covered porcus.

*Thank you, Silly Sarah.

*** spoiler alert ***

Great campy fun, but but but where’s the cameo by the originals? Sadly, missing.

*** SPOILER ALERT ***

Wrong-way Corrigan The Magic Hand heads out because 72 virgins and because steering wheel. She gets chased because too many steering wheels and ends up doing a 180. Because Santa’s air guitar. Things explode. Water. Because sand.

Also: Bolt cutters.