This is an ongoing commentary on Calgary BT. Reader comments are welcomed, and appear at the end of this very lengthy post.

I’m happy to say that beginning back in August, 2014, I freed myself from the yoke of Shaw’s useless television lineup. I watched approximately ten channels. I had to pay a ten dollar premium to watch TCM movies. I finally figured it out that for sixty dollars a month I could do better on my own – sans cable television service from anyone.

I added a Chromecast, an HDMI twelve-foot cable for whatever else I want to watch from my laptop, and I’m good to go.

So long. It’s been good to know ya.

*

Andy and Ted will be smearing a little makeup on Jill this morning. I think she’d be wise to head for the foothills as fast as she possibly can.

After watching the segment, I can honestly say that even in extreme closeup, Jill’s face is flawless. No wonder she looks so good in the morning. It’s all in the genes. She’s also a good sport for agreeing to the full-meal makeup deal on-camera with Andy and Ted. Don’t worry, Jill. No matter what those two did to you, you look great.

*

I could be wrong, of course, but somehow, I just can’t picture Jill Belland getting up and, first thing in the morning, knitting little green things before brunch. If ever. Judging by the small size of that little green thing as today’s segments continue, I’d say she’ll be taking homework with her to get the pocket square finished by tomorrow for Ted.

*

I briefly watched Jill Belland this morning draped in a striped hockey referee shirt, her face framed by a referee’s helmet. Call me what you want, but has anyone else noticed that that woman can wear just about anything and still look great doing it? And, early in the morning, too.

Now that I got that over with, I’m happy to see that yet another network has banished the screen real-estate-killing graphic that once took up a third of a 40-inch television screen. Nothing irritated me more than when CNN, during the Boston Marathon bombing episode, had almost all of their screen taken up with a variety of banners, breaking news banners, location text, streaming, tweets and more garbage. The resultant active screen was only 17×14 inches. No one told their cameraman, thus absolutely nothing of value was visible on-screen.

Thanks, City-TV and Rogers, for finally realizing that people want to watch your morning show, and thanks for getting rid of the screen clutter.

As for the rest of it, I’m slowly getting rid of my Shaw cable by eliminating packages, one-by-one. Eventually, I will drop cable completely. It is my intention to go on-line for my television-watching enjoyment. I’ll be writing more on my cable-cutting adventure when I begin.

*

The guys have been left to fend for themselves since being stood up by the women and it’s Manday! Andy and Ted are left holding the bag and have obviously gone begging to Kristen Hallett. She’s graciously agreed to help them out of their dilemma. The one-liners and zingers are flying and there’s lots of whining and sniveling about being deserted by the female half, but it’s great fun to watch.

*

It’s so nice to see Jill Belland back on the desk for the past week or so. The chemistry between Jill, Andy and Ted is amazing. I discovered it when I accidentally tuned in on my way to another channel and I’ve been watching for the past few days. I anticipate I’ll be tuning out later this week (June 10)  and return to ignoring the show completely.

Rogers, in its infinite wisdom, cancelled BT Toronto or whatever it was calling that disaster of an a.m. show. I don’t know if any of you ever caught one of BT Toronto’s ugly, untalented messes, but it was horrendous. Rogers should have removed it ages ago. I don’t thing Rogers is getting smart though. The cancellation was merely a product of economics. With an abject inability to hire talent, BT Toronto had nowhere to go but down the sewer.

*

What’s that you say? Kristen Hallett is doing an on-location gig this morning (May 16)? I rarely watch any more. I obviously tuned in late, so I missed the intro as to why she has returned. In any case, Kristen is a welcome breath of fresh air.

*

Kristin Hallett, or, as we all knew her most recently in her former gig at CTV Winnipeg, Kristin Hursh, has returned to Calgary. I thought her abilities were really wasted there as a web reporter and Tweet reader at CTV. This is one talented woman. I think we’ll be seeing more of her as she broadens her television background, this time in the world of the Calgary Flames. Go Kristin!

*

Apparently, Richard III was buried under a parking lot, only a few years ago by the sound of it – at least the two clowns who host this debacle of a morning show think so. Unfortunately, 500 years ago, there were no parking lots, bubble gum and oil stains. There was, however, a church that was destroyed by the victors of the War of the Roses. The church, a Franciscan monastery at the time, was dismantled and destroyed by King Henry VII, and subsequently forgotten about. Richard III was buried in that church, and the church was subsequently destroyed in the haste to rid the country of that demon even today, Catholocism. The location was forgotten in the intervening 500 years. Imagine that.

*

What a nice Christmas treat – Jill Belland is co-hosting. Now if Andy would only do something about that sweater. 😉 Rock on, Andrew! Thanks for a great Christmas show, you guys. (Yes, I watched all of it.)

*

Isn’t Jill Belland just the cutest thing you’ve ever seen in that red speed suit? * wants to reach out and pinch her cheek *

*     *     *

Even worse than the afore-mentioned Tweet-Teevee™ is the Rogers Empire attempts to turn Kevin Trudeau into a Canadian star. Is the Empire so desperate for cashflow that it needs to promote this dumbass American huckster in Canada? Here’s a takedown of Trudeau’s phony investigation of himself and his claims. Misha Dibono “interviews” some of the “winners” who ordered the book. Really. Read all about the fools here.

Really, Rogers? Kevin Trudeau infomercials? How desperate and pathetic is that?

*     *     *

There is nothing more “exciting” than a segment spent reading tweets on “television”. I’m peeing my pants waiting until the next one. Of course, this television station isn’t the only one that kills time by reading tweets. Who among us thinks that reading a series of tweets is something one wants to “watch” on television?

*     *     *

Here’s a thought: If you’re trying to liven up a totally boring, inconsequential, irrelevant, and uninteresting hilbilly morning show by hiring a former radio dj, don’t do it. Radio personalities don’t make the cut. Will someone please pull the stick out of Ted’s you-know-what in an attempt to liven up the BeeTee Morning Dead Show™? Even the “script writers” can’t help this thing.

Dear Andrew and Jill: Please find meaningful work somewhere else, lest you be relegated to nothing more than what BeeTee Toronto has become in the Rogers cost-cutting fiasco.

*     *     *

Christ, even Andrew is gritting his teeth at the stupidity of the co-hosts.

Here’s a thought: Turn off this up-tight, boring and inconsequential Calgary Hillbilly morning teevee show and turn on the radio. With the money Rogers is bleeding, it won’t be long before the present group of incompetents is replaced by an entirely new group that will work for free orange juice.

*     *     *

Since getting home, I’ve tuned in to the atrocities of Calgary morning teevee. Don’t ask me why, because I have no idea. In any case, I’ve since poked my own eyes out so I no longer make that mistake. It did stop my suffering though.

Just in case you were thinking you were missing someone reading tweets in Hillbilly-land, you can always depend on Calgary BeeTee to reliably distract you with their stupidity. What’s with the jackets and ties? This morning program was already so up tight that station management wasn’t able to pull their collective heads out of their collective asses, and now we have this. Hasn’t anyone in Canada heard of KTLA in, you know, El Lay, otherwise known as Los Angeles? Talk about a laid-back, trendy and interesting morning show on the west coast, and that’s the one.

*     *     *

I had an opportunity to watch Kristin Hursh on CTV in Winnipeg for a couple of days. They have her reading tweets, for God’s sake. Why in the world, who in the world, puts anything meaningful into reading tweets on t.e.l.e.v.i.s.i.o.n? It’s television, for God’s sake, not radio. You S.H.O.W. things. Will someone please write a letter to CTV Winnipeg’s management and let them know that Kristen’s talents are completely wasted by having her read tweets? Good grief.

I hope that is only going to be the start for what I’m certain will be a successful on-air career for her.

*     *     *

January 6 – Jill Belland is filling in while the other is on vacation. It will last a week.

The on-camera dynamic between Andrew and Jill is great to watch. The two of them get along so well and have so much personality that it continues to be a shame Rogers does not permit them to host full-time. The viewing audience and Rogers both are sadly losing out on this.

The pasty guy left behind just doesn’t cut it.

*     *     *

It’s now January, 2012, and there is still no hope for this ugly morning television show. It has no passion. It has no vision. The personalities of the hosts are dull, boring and uninteresting.

In other words, boys and girls, nothing has changed. Go watch or listen to something else.

*     *     *

Is there anyone who thinks the Friday Radio Klowns have a purpose? Is the radio station rating so in the toilet that BeeTee has to drag them over to teevee to help the crew paddle the canoe down the Bow River?

*     *     *

What happened with the eyebrows?

It reminds me of the latinas in East El Lay who shave them off and then paint them back on. The first time you see it, you know there’s something wrong, but you just can’t figure it out. The second time you see it, it’s laughable, but hey, I guess it’s a culture thing.

*     *     *

Two entire segments devoted to watching a plastic dog’s ass excrete plastic shit? Really?

Well, there’s the dog. Is it too much to ask for a pony to shit all over the station’s viewing audience? That would certainly complete today’s dog and pony show to my satisfaction.

*     *     *

They’re basing an entire show’s commentary on candy? Really?

What’s with every station in the nation wearing a poppy commencing on November 1? Remembrance Day isn’t until the 11th. It appears that it’s just one more day dedicated to funding requests. The longer it can be stretched out, the more money can be raised. Ho-hum.

Whatever happened to an entire day dedicated to remembrance of our war dead? It appears to be long gone now.

*     *     *

Rather than waste your time on the largely dull, boring and irrelevant CalgaryBeeTee, why not tune in to check out CTV Calgary’s new look and format. It starts at 0530 each and every morning. They even have someone who applies makeup. Imagine that. And, get this! they also have a roving news crew!

*     *     *

Time well spent this morning will have you all watch Casablanca on Movie Central at 0740. It’s actually worth watching compared to this nonsense.

*     *     *

Bruce McAllister has departed Global in Calgary. Wonder what he’s doing now?

Don’t you just love it when these local online rags can’t even format their stories to make them legible and readable by the audience they’re directed towards? You’re not paying for paper when you’re online. How about some first-line indentation or a break between paragraphs? They’re using WordPress, so it isn’t all that difficult.

*     *     *

Who’s the cleanest on the bus? WTF? How imaginative. I’m almost certain someone was awake half the night coming up with those questions. Jesus.

*     *     *

A little Rogers/CityTV history:

Rogers bought City in 2007. Since then, they have laid off fired multiple times every on-air loser personality they could find across Canada in each and every one of their markets. No wonder this excuse for a teevee giant in Canada is such a loser. They can’t even manage to find competent people to talk to at their viewing audience. Even when they do, they aren’t capable of recognizing the capabilities of what they have.

It’s a good thing fitting that Rogers provides Canadians with over-priced cellphone plans to keep the mothership profitable or it would be operating out of a step van. Oops, I guess it already does that with one of the two most popular personalities it has here in Calgary. Jill Belland does her remotes courtesy of a step van. It’s too bad Andrew Schultz couldn’t join her. Perhaps they could pirate the van and do their own show–Jill and Andrew in the morning!

Given all of that, how long before that programming giant in Calgary known as CalgaryBeeTee replaces fires all of its local yokels this time around?

All right, I did say it was a little history–a little history for a little network.

*     *     *

If you’re allowing permitting honoring Louie B with a minimum of air time to talk about movies, why bother to have him on at all? Eliminate Louis B immediately and you could have the loser hosts tell us more about themselves and their loser lives.

Jebus, but when will this statistically insignificant television station in the Calgary market go tits up? Not soon enough for my liking. They’re taking up valuable programming bandwidth to re-broadcast what’s already available on other local channels for the remainder of the day.

Allowing Permitting Andrew and Jill to have more face time couldn’t keep this thing from continuing to sink to the bottom of the Bow River.

Arf.

*     *     *

Andrew and Jill just don’t get enough air time, especially when they get an opportunity to work together. Today they’re both out at Mount Royal, but they aren’t on-air nearly enough.

Dull, drab and boring rulz! And no, I don’t mean Jill and Andy.

Can we get more Andrew and Jill in the morning!?

*     *     *

What if they threw a block party and no one came? Did anyone know where it was? Could there have been more food trucks than people? Does anyone care?

*     *     *

With the forced advent of high-def teevee, will the new show beginning next week be able to cut it in its desperate attempt to turn a sow’s ear into, into something or other? They’ll be starting a half-hour earlier, at 0530. On-air they’re certainly not giving it much publicity, which appears to be pretty standard for these guys. I guess we’re all expected to eagerly tune in and begin drooling.

Further to the high-def teevee thing, Canada wouldn’t even be in the ballpark if the government hadn’t mandated the change. As it was, the networks whined and sniveled about costs and deliverability–typical of Canadian business. That’s why in this country we had an eighteen-month delay in implementation compared to south of the border.

One of the reasons viewers are seeing such a feverish Shaw-Bell pitch for subscribing to additional channels is the new high-def format. Once basic cable subscribers see how fantastic the new high-def format is going to be, why would they want to upgrade? Basic cable subscribers will finally be getting a format that they’ve been paying for for the past year and a half.

*     *     *

Mike McCourt retired on August 19. Perhaps he’ll come back as an anchor on Rogers’ much-anticipated *snicker* new 24-hour Toronto-centric news show in September. Somehow, I doubt it. I wonder if he thought it was time to move on with the coming of BeeTee’s new format in September?

Kristin Hursh is headed to CTV in Winterpeg Winnipeg. Good for her!

Whatever became of Kirsten-Ellen Fleming?

*     *     *

On September 6, those of you who still bother to watch this travesty can look forward to Ted Henley taking the co-host’s chair. I don’t know for sure, but I suspect that he will eventually become the driving force that takes over this dog and pony show. He certainly has the abilities.

BT in Toronto is an even bigger dog than this thing in Calgary, so I guess viewers can take some little comfort in that they’re not subjected to Toronto’s extravagonzo. (It’s my word, and I’m claiming ownership).

*     *     *

For the love of God, just shut the hell up and let Louis B. talk about the movies.

*     *     *

It is such a treat to turn on the television and get Jill and Andy in the morning. Yes! Here’s my proposal for a new name for the show:

Jill & Andy in the morning

Should I Trade Mark it?

Normally, I’m turning this thing off early; however, today I’m watching right through to the bitter end. I wonder why?

*     *     *

In keeping with yesterday’s return of The Host, Andrew was sidelined by–you couldn’t guess it–a burger. I’m thinking the burger was a patsy for having to work with the host again. I mean really, who the hell would want anything to do with that thing after doing such a remarkable job on centre stage for the last two weeks?

*     *     *

We’re nine minutes into this thing today and already it’s in the toilet. Who gives a shit about Toronto’s Mayor, Rob Ford? It’s over, it’s done with. Move on.

After two weeks of personality, it’s not worth it to watch the return of dull, drab, boring and uninteresting. Click.

Arf.

*     *     *

It is going to be extremely difficult to watch this thing next week when dull, drab, boring and uninspiring returns–not that I expect much inspiration from any morning television show. To get a preview of what next week will be like, tune in to Friday’s holiday rehash and you too will be horrified by the lack of sincerity, showmanship, personality and talent that becomes painfully evident in the clips.

*     *     *

Well, boys and girls, we have another four days of CalgaryBT television this week that we can actually watch without gagging. Andrew, Jill and Mike continue to put their mark on the show and make it work as entertainment. It is going to be very difficult to tune in to this thing next week, for obvious reasons.

Jill was actually able to render Andy speechless by feeding him some deep-fried Kool-Aid. Now that must be a first–Andrew being unable to speak, I mean. I quite enjoy the on-screen chemistry between those two.

*     *     *

Folks, the Other is on vacation until July 4th, so feel free to tune in for the next two weeks!

The chemistry between Jill, Andrew and Mike McCourt is pretty good. I’ve been watching the show off and on for three days now, and it’s only getting better. The three of them are hitting their stride. Following two complete weeks of this, it will be such a disappointment when the show goes back to its regular dull and boring format.

*     *     *

Jill Belland keeps cleaning up in the awards department. Good for her! Now if only the dumbasses at Rogers would awake from their self-imposed stupor. Unfortunately, we all know that is never going to happen with those losers.

*     *     *

How brave is it that a television host appears with absolutely no makeup whatsoever? Only for the Calgary Hillbillies, peeps. Jeebus. At least the radio listeners don’t get to see it for themselves. Excuse me while I poke my eyes out with a blunt pencil.

Oh great. Now we get to suffer the other brother on a hockey remote from Boston. It appears as though the nepotism at Rogers runs more than a little skin keep. I feel so sorry for the Vancouver BeeTee viewers who haven’t yet tuned out that monstrosity.

Click.

*     *     *

I see I’m not the only one:

Rogers has more money than class. Or sense. —theglobeandmail.com,
Rogers spreads its money around but doesn’t get much for it, by John Doyle

*     *     *

Jill Belland has a fourth award to put on her desk–that of Best TV Host. What does that tell us about the other personality on this dog of a show? Unfortunately, Rogers Media still doesn’t get it.

But don’t despair, dear reader, for BeeTee Calgary has won a Best News Information Series award. WTF? This station doesn’t have a news program. There’s more meaningful news going by in three lines on the crawl at the bottom of the screen than these guys actually read on-air. Furthermore, putting your camera out on the street in front of the station for a weather shot doesn’t qualify as news gathering. The award committee must have been stoned, incompetent or or both to come up with that little gem.

Arf.

Wait, there’s more! Rogers will be going the 24-hour news channel route. If there’s something Canada needs more of than anything else, it’s another 24-hour news channel. I guess that qualifies as Canadian content, in which case Rogers won’t have to risk spending any money on actual programming that people might want to watch.

That means existing staff from Rogers’ magazines, its local TV news broadcasts, and its radio stations will be expected to do on-air news reports or commentary on the new station. —mediamag.ca, Rogers to launch 24-hour news channel fall 2011

Thankfully, the Alberta Hillbillies will be spared the new channel for a bit–or perhaps not, if it will be a national news feed.

The channel will start out with a focus on Toronto. —theglobeandmail.com

Double arf!

*     *     *

Fortunately, reruns of  The Glades are on A&E, starting at 7 a.m. each morning. I didn’t care for this show at first, but it has grown on me like a Florida fungus, and I’m looking forward to its return on June 5th.

*     *     *

Airhead.

*     *     *

The winner of the Burger Battle was local business Boogie’s Burgers! Yes–and so popular on-line that their server appears to have crashed as a result of all the publicity. I expect it will be back up shortly. You can read more about the burger battle on-line here.

Does anyone besides me think that chef David Adjey looks like he’s 60? He’s actually 46 (soon to be 47).

*     *     *

This station is so bankrupt of anything that would contribute to a watchable morning show that it can’t even provide hair and makeup. Imagine allowing your lead host to appear on-air with a do that looks like someone rolled out of bed, threw something on and walked on-camera. That is just so pathetic–but then this three-hour morning show extravaganza dog and pony show has been in the toilet since it was hijacked by the professionals losers who were allowed to parachute two experienced meaningless professionals bubbleheads from Toronto into the hot seats.

But, that’s what you get when your company has no fresh ideas and a lack of cash. All of your talent deserts the sinking ship or is forced to leave. How long will it be before this loser station shuts down?

But wait, there’s more! Does anyone think that the station will be reborn with the switchover to digital broadcasting in August?

*     *     *

The way-back machine–taking it all the way to 2005.

Yeah. Right.

Now we know why there was no future in music.

Can anyone tell me why she has a career on Rogers’ Hillbilly TeeVee in Calgary, for god’s sake?

Arf.

But, don’t despair, folks. Andrew will return tomorrow! Unfortunately for us all, his weather segments just aren’t long enough.

*     *     *

Who’s the radio host that has appeared as a co-host for the last two days? If Rogers is smart (and we all know that isn’t happening), this guy could be an excellent choice as a replacement for the bubbleheaded motormouth who was let go for being a dumbass. (Now that had to be a first for Rogers.)

Update: Thanks to Allie’s remarks in the comments, his name is Ted Henley and he’s from 660 News.

*     *     *

Today’s guest certainly fits in with the theme of Calgary BeeTee TeeVee:

• Dull.
• Boring.
• Uninteresting.
• A guest-host (who is himself dull, boring and uninteresting) is obviously wondering why the hell he signed on for this dog and pony show.

When is the collective stupidity known as this Calgary television station–and I use the term loosely–going to end in a permanent signoff?

*     *     *

Do any of you besides me think that this rather lengthy progression of guest hosts has become rather ho-hum? Rogers must be absolutely destitute of new ideas to allow this to go on for so long. I’m surprised that by now the Alberta HillBillies™ haven’t been subjected to a relative member of some visible minority foisted on us yet again parachuted in by an inept Rogers incapable of recognizing the two local personalities who are extremely capable of replacing the one remaining co-host loser.

I can hear the banter at the morning meeting going something like this:

“Who can we get for free this week?” followed by a list of prominent Calgary HillBillies.

Then comes the phone calls to those who make the list:

“If you appear as a co-host on our morning show it will be great free pr for your business/charity/radio talk show blah blah blah… What? No, I’m sorry, we can’t pay you for your appearance. After all, it is free publicity blah blah blah…”

All this from a supposedly local television station that is incapable of producing anything outside of 6 to 9 a.m. How long will it be before this travesty of a station will be relegated to the dustbin of former television stations?

Arf.

*     *     *

I was going to comment on a remark made about Seder, but the collective wisdom stupidity of the people involved with the production of this show is known to all of us so I’ll just let it pass–if you’ll all pardon the pun.

*     *     *

I’m no fashion maven, but today’s fashion presentation of grey is dull, uninteresting and sadly lacking any colour whatsoever. Makeup on a model? What’s that? I’d characterize the entire segment as frumpy. Consequently it ties in perfectly with the show’s theme since it was hijacked by the new host last year.

Would someone, anyone, please dress Brett in something besides leather? The faux motorcycle look is so déclassé. Does anyone else think that he’s a little old to carry off whatever look he’s going for? And the mousse. For god’s sake. Brylcreem went out back in the 60s.

Arf.

*     *     *

A press release from Rogers TeeVee Sales:

“Living up to their reputation for unpredictable fun … Breakfast Television will continue to welcome new and exciting guest hosts into the studio over the next few months.” (emphasis mine)

The sounds of snoring can be heard across the vast wasteland known as out west somewhere by the obviously challenged Rogers management team located back east somewhere. The unpredictability of their last incomprehensible motor-mouthed co-host was too much for them. He had to be replaced with an endless, months-long parade of, parade of, well, parade of something or other in the hope that it too will be unexpectedly unpredictable.

From inside the studio to the streets in local communities, Breakfast Television offers a refreshing look at the day ahead — combining the latest in local news, weather and traffic with the biggest celebrity interviews, lifestyle trends, local community events, and big ticket giveaways. Prepare for the unexpected as Tara, Jill, Andrew and Mike keep audiences engaged with continuous unpredictable fun! —Rogers TeeVee Sales

Much hilarity is sure to ensue. You can read the full, breathy-sounding press release here. It has quite a few laughs in it for those of us who like to make fun of the hilarious attempts by Calgary Hillbilly BT TeeVee to stay relevant to the Alberta Hillbillies of Rogers TeeVee fame.

*     *     *

Once again we’re  treated to Andrew and Jill as temporary hosts of the show for a day. The two of them play off of each other extremely well. They always have. Why in god’s name we have to be subjected to the indignities of the fools from Toronto and Vancouver is beyond me, but I guess the geniuses at Rogers have us Alberta Hillbillies all figured out. They continue to know what’s best for the country bumpkins out west.

I am so looking forward to finally see exactly what has been chosen to replace the last hipster moron from Vancouver. I’m sure I’ll find it to be entertaining for a day or two at least. At worst I can stop watching again.

Arf.

*     *     *

Will the new co-host of this dog and pony show be another hipster member of a minority group entertainer loser from Toronto or Vancouver, or somewhere “in between”?

Arf.

*     *     *

It’s rather nice to see Andrew and Jill back in the driver’s seat, even if only for the day. The two of them complement each other nicely, not to mention that they dress the place up immeasurably with more than a little class. A measure of class has been missing from this morning show since it was hijacked by and put under the control of completely clueless and inept people.

Unfortunately, the Other will be back tomorrow.

*     *     *

Somehow, someone managed to talk Steve-o into a fill-in appearance all morning on this dog. I’ve watched for a bit, and to be honest, even that man isn’t capable of breathing life into this horrible, horrible morning show, even for Friday’s three-hour waste of time.

But, on a positive note, the radio clowns had to walk off of their appearance because they had a radio show to do. Now that’s good Calgary BeeTee teevee! Unfortunately, the radio clowns don’t walk off-screen often enough–and they’re only on once a week.

Why in god’s name this show is allowed to continue with its current host is unfathomable. Not only that, why this show/station continues to appear anywhere in Alberta is beyond comprehension.

Arf.

*     *     *

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m thinking that after the dust has settled following the departure of the Zaner, denizens of the Calgary Hillbilly Nation will find themselves saddled with yet another Toronto/Vancouver hipster reject who couldn’t make it anywhere else. I mean, really, after the last loser, management at Rogers certainly isn’t known for its abilities to manage a local television station from somewhere back east.

Oh, sure, Rogers will play the local host game as they’ve been doing for the past two weeks, but just watch:  something will end up being parachuted in, displaying the Rogers attitude of screw the Calgary Hillbillies, we have our own agenda. The only problem with that is, Rogers isn’t capable of having an agenda. Too bad, so sad for the rest of us. How typical of back east ignorance and stupidity.

Once again, I’m pretty certain the joke will be on the Calgary Hillbilly viewing audience.

Is anyone able to explain why this television station exists in the Calgary market? There is no local news programming of the sort presented by any other station. After 9 a.m. we’re subjected to Toronto-centric programming. Much of their afternoon and evening lineup is available somewhere else. I know that Toronto is considered to be Canada’s mecca by many–especially if the many live in Toronto, but is it really when you don’t live there?

Arf.

*     *     *

Yes, it’s true. The Zaner is gone-zo!

I’ve not been tuning in the show for ages now. I checked the book of faces, and it seems the Zaner has been scrubbed from the web site since the 10th or 11th. Buh-bye, and don’t let the door kiss your skinny ass on the way out.

One down, and one to go.

Arf.

*     *     *

Can it be?

For some unknown reason I clicked on the Calgary BT blog this morning (March 21, 2011), only to behold the lack of the Zaner‘s image in the header or the blog byline.

Does this mean that another personality from the Entertainment Capital Of Canada™ will be parachuted in to amaze, wOw and impress us? Will we have to sit through another declaration of how great it is to move from back east to the Calgary Hillbilly Nation™ from someone who has been parachuted in despite the availability of local talent?

Inquiring minds, including dozens and dozens of daily visitors to this ongoing sad tale, need to know.

Arf.

*     *     *

There’s been a devastating earthquake in Japan, followed by a series of tsunamis occurring across the Pacific, but you’d barely know it from these clowns. The thing that they don’t get is that once one tunes away from CrapTeeVee™ to learn about what’s happening in the rest of the world, one doesn’t go back to watch a self-centered dimwit giggling and laughing about nothing.

Oh, all right, they read to us about Japan’s earthquake on the hour and half-hour news. Big deal.

No doubt there’ll be a Mad CrapTeeVee Scramble™ to find some local broadcasting relevance to what’s occurring today in Japan for CrapTeeVee’s show tomorrow. Oh, wait! Tomorrow is Saturday. We’ll all have to wait on the edge of our seats over the weekend to find out what, if any… blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda. Losers, all.

Speaking of idiots, where is the other one this week? I haven’t been watching to find out.

Will someone tell me again why this station even exists? Don’t forget to use the word “relevance” in your thesis.

Arf.

*     *     *

What, if any, relevance does this station hold for the Calgary market? Outside of a three-hour morning show with two of the most awkward and unattractive hosts in the nation, why would anyone watch this station? Past the nine o’clock hour there’s nothing but a remote feed for the remainder of the day from somewhere back east.

• There’s no original programming.
• There’s no local news production.
• Uhh, I’m thinking, I’m thinking…
• Oh, right. There’s nothing else.

So then, who the hell watches CrapTeeVee™?

Arf.

*     *     *

Well, I see the ongoing absence of this once-proud BT audience member hasn’t encouraged the producers of this endless bullshit crapteevee to do anything to improve it. The Zaner is still incapable of keeping his mouth shut. His incessant spewing of meaningless, non-stop, incomprehensible drivel continues unabated. Can anyone understand a word he says? Blah blah blah blah.

And I’ve only been watching this bullshit crapteevee for five minutes this morning. Already I’ve had enough. Click.

Arf.

*     *     *

There was a plug for two more radio clowns this morning. Have Friday’s not so funny radio clowns been sent packing and replaced by two more unfunny radio clowns? I watch BT so rarely now that I have no idea what’s going on–and I don’t miss the show in the least.

We can only live in hope that Rogers will do the same with the two BT television clowns.

*     *     *

Oh for God’s sake, Mike, where would you have the Parliament of Canada meet during the refurbishment of Parliament, a public washroom? An arena? Outdoors along the Ottawa river? In someone’s basement? In Calgary at that stupid place that looks like a maxi-pad? Give it a rest, unless you have a better idea.

*     *     *

Someone is getting their hair styled, live, on television. I’d say the poor girl doing the styling has a full-time job on her hands. Unfortunately for the stylist, it’s not going to make one whit of difference to the overall look of the star show. If the poor stylist was smart, she’d throw up her hands and run screaming from the studio. I really hope the results have no bearing on the poor girls prospects for future employment because they are surely no fault of her own.

Oh god. She’s playing herself again.

Arf.

Could we possibly get more air time for the stylist?

*     *     *

Louis B is coming up. Lets see if he gets an opportunity to speak today.

Nope.

*     *     *

Quote of the day: “I thought you were a singer.”

You must be the only one, since the singing career crashed and burned before it got started a long time ago. If only her Calgary BT career would go the same way.

Arf!

*     *     *

There’s a Clark Gable movie on TCM starting at 0730: Manhattan Melodrama, with Clark Gable, William Powell, Myrna Loy, Leo Carrillo and Isabel Jewell. A district attorney condemns his boyhood buddy, a racketeer whose crime saves his bid for governor. It looks like a young Mickey Rooney is also in it.

Much better than watching the dog and pony.

Arf!

*     *     *

If you’re going to bring Louis B. on to review movies we might like to see, why wouldn’t the dumbass show host let the reviewer talk about the movies? Will the gutless producer in charge of this piece of garbage grow a set and shut these people up so their guests can talk?

I know, I know, I’m talking to the wall again.

Arf!

*     *     *

The troll is away for a few days, so the show looks like it might be worth tuning in this week. It’s quite amazing how much the tone of the entire show changes with a new host. Don’t get too excited though. She’ll be back–much too soon.

*     *     *

The show is trying so hard to be young, hip, casual and with-it–and failing miserably. They aren’t aware that no matter how hard they try, they’re incapable of pulling it off. Face it, folks, you either are, or you are not. You are not.

Furthermore, trying to pose while sitting on the banquette just doesn’t cut it, thus making the foregoing even more evident.

Posers.

*     *     *

Jill Belland ended up phoning in The Bachelor report this morning (yes folks, she actually had to phone it in) proving once again that she alone has the chops on this show. Tara Slone/Sloan sat there like a rock on a tree during the entire segment. To make it even more evident, they didn’t put up a side-by of Jill while she was phoning it in, which made the segment look even uglier.

It must annoy the hell out of Tara Sloan/Slone to know that that she can be upstaged by someone on the telephone! Tara Sloan/Slone didn’t look all that ecstatic. I loved every minute of it.

Will someone please put an end to this thing? It’s getting so even I can barely watch these young, hip (in their own minds) monkeys nincompoops perform.

*     *     *

I suspect that all of the brides out there are gaga over Tara Sloan/Sloan’s upcoming nuptials. Countless and constant references to bridal magazines, self-help couples therapy articles read by the Zaner, references to the groom’s constant willingness to participate (even though grooms don’t give a shit) and other stupid bride tricks will be forthcoming until the Alberta cows come home–if you’ll pardon the pun.

Idiots.

*     *     *

* * * NEWS FLASH EXCLUSIVE * * *

In keeping with the theme of televised hair removal that we were subjected to for two days last week, and to promote good personal grooming standards, Tara Slone/Sloan has volunteered to have a bikini wax, live, on teevee!!!

There is no word yet on which hapless station employee will be forced to pluck the dreaded follicles from Tara Slone/Sloan’s nether regions. All I can say for certain is that it won’t be the Zaner. We’re pretty sure he’ll be off in a corner somewhere, putting on a dress and slathering himself in glitter in order that he can take over for Tara Sloan/Sloan in the event she should become dismembered during said plucking event.

I can’t turn this show off. It just gets better and better.

Arf.

*     *     *

After yesterday’s duct-tape disaster, even the return of Andrew and Jill in the new year will not be capable of raising this televised dog show into the realm of watchability.

Oh. My. God. They’re re-doing the duct-tape disaster of yesterday, this time with clear tape so Tara Sloan/Slone doesn’t have to hold it to face the camera.

This show has absolutely no class whatsoever. Why anyone would want to appear on this disaster is beyond me.

Andrew, Jill. Find a new line of work in another country, because you’ll never recover from this, and you weren’t even here!

2010’s one-word show summary: Pathetic.

Here’s to slashing the budget in 2011 and getting this dog cancelled.

*     *     *

With both Jill and Andrew away for the remainder of the week, today we were subjected to a duct-tape chest de-hairing of Andrew’s replacement. Yes, that’s right, folks. I didn’t misspeak.

Not only that, but once the deed was done, the hairy tape was held up and proudly displayed, sticky-side out, for all to see, including the viewing audience, by none other than co-host Tara Slone/Sloan.

Aren’t you glad I watch the show for you?

*     *     *

Andrew and Jill are away for the remaining three days of the Christmas week. There’s nothing like two incompetent co-hosts left entirely to their own devices to demonstrate how dull, drab and uninteresting this debacle has become.

*     *     *

There’s nothing like a two-day series of reruns that allows viewers to witness talentless, uninspiring and utterly boring television hosts highlight their complete inability to perform on a three-hour morning television show. Incompetents-r-us.

This entirely irrelevant television station needs to disappear completely, taking local and Toronto management with it off the face of the Canadian television landscape. Why not do it all by remote from Montreal?

January can’t come soon enough.

*     *     *

Merry Christmas to all of my faithful readers! I trust you all are well and happy on this day and eve before Christmas.

Which one of the stupids came up with the idea to put up and decorate a tree, live? Two guesses only are allowed. Although, it does give one of the stupids an opportunity to not be outclassed in-studio by the remote reporter. If  Jill can be kept busy decorating the tree, she won’t have much of an opportunity to outclass the show’s frumpy, no-class host.

Well, I guess that’s the theory, at least. I wonder how that’s working out for the stupid so far?

Having both Andrew and Jill appearing together in-studio with the stupids is really not a good idea if you’re trying to promote the competence and viewability of the co-hosts. The watch-factor is up, but the show’s hosts are really looking pretty sad and pathetic.

If you happened to be watching the segment just before seven a.m. where someone is making Christmas treats on a stick, you’ll know exactly what I mean.

Bah, humbug!

*     *     *

Can someone explain to me why the Stupids are dressed in black as though any celebration of Christmas must be experienced as a wake? What the hell is with these people? Doesn’t anyone care? I find it very strange indeed that Halloween was celebrated with such vigor, yet the Stupids have been so low key about Christmas. Dress it up a little, folks. You know, like, wear some colours. Strut Christmas as though it was Halloween.

Although, I must admit that Christmas doesn’t give a tv personality much reason to wear glitter, spike heels and a wig, all while on-camera. Thankfully.

People in black. What a drag. And on television yet. We might as well go back to the days of black and white television.

What an absolutely horrible, horrible viewing image these two project onto their hapless audience.

I give up. I just give up.

*     *     *

This morning the Stupids have been harassing Andrew Schultz about not participating in the co-worker gift-giving extravaganza. Andrew’s response: “I buy gifts for family and friends, not co-workers.”

I have to admit that I’m with Andrew on this one. The continuing on-air attempts to shame Andrew is the most childish, immature and petulant excuse for two boneheads to whine and snivel that I’ve ever witnessed.

Of course, this isn’t the first time the Stupids have played the on-air shaming card. It’s become the one constant that unites the Stupids in their attempt to exert their control and influence over the show and it’s hapless members/employees.

I’ll be extremely happy when this station drops off the face of the earth and takes the Stupids with it.

Sidebar: Who the hell dresses that woman in the morning? My God.

*     *     *

Finally! A Friday appearance by Louis B. during which he was permitted to talk about movies, rather than being screeched over by the Dynamic Duo. Will wonders never cease?

Frumpy. Don’t y’all just love watching frumpy people first thing in the morning?

*     *     *

The lovely Miss Belland has returned to relieve us from the purgatory the show had become for the last two weeks. Today she will be assisting Canada Post in their attempt to deliver mail on time and to the appropriate address in time for Christmas. Good luck with that.

*     *     *

So, Mike, where were you when Daniel Ellsberg was getting all that publicity decades ago? Were you calling him a pinhead of the week back then? I’m betting you’d have crawled on your hands and knees through broken glass to get an interview with that man.

If it weren’t for WikiLeaks, some of us would have to depend on the lame, impotent, government-ass-kissing American media for our relevant news. Anyone with half a brain knows how little meaningful news originates there.

Andrew, I think you’ve finally met your match  in Mayor Nenshi. Surprsingly, Andy had no comeback for him when the Mayor asked Andy to fix the weather before Nenshi fixed his street. Great theatre!

*     *     *

Three black blobs on a television screen. Who dresses these people?

It’s not “pneumonic”, it’s “mnemonic”. Would someone please correct the rocket scientist? Which begs the question, is there anyone on the production staff who even knows the proper pronunciation of the word?

pneu·mon·ic adj.

1. Of, affecting, or relating to the lungs; pulmonary.
2. Relating to, affected by, or similar to pneumonia.

mne·mon·ic adj.

Relating to, assisting, or intended to assist the memory.

n.

A device, such as a formula or rhyme, used as an aid in remembering.

*     *     *

I tune into this mess only occasionally now, and only to remind me of what a sad, pathetic little excuse this morning show has become for what was formerly an eminently watchable three hours. What an absolutely horrible thing it has become.

Must we be subjected, day after day, to book of faces photos of an entirely unattractive woman who also happens to co-host? Anyone? (Yes, I know. But you’re free to call me what you want.) What I find annoying: constant book of faces pictures from someone on a morning show who badly wants to convince us all how “tech savvy” she is, but is unable to. She is still constantly breaking into song. Enough, already.

Andrew Schultz still can’t get a word in edgewise and is always being talked and laughed over. The two of them must just despise his complete affability, no matter what he is subjected to by both of them. It’s good to see Andrew still rolling with the punches and constantly amusing the audience with his witticisms and sense of humour.

*     *     *

The lovely Jill Belland is away for the second week, giving the station the opportunity to once again highlight Kirsten Ellen Fleming in the remotes. Sadly, that was not to be, for this station is incapable of exhibiting any common sense whatsoever. On the other had, if Kirsten is no longer available because she has moved on, I say, good for her!

*     *     *

Is there anyone out there besides a couple of posters in my comments section that think Jill Belland would be a capable addition to Global’s morning show? They’re more than a little up tight and far too serious over there, but there’s always hope. Global is obviously going for the “serious morning show” look, as opposed to the insane clown posse of BT. (With apologies to the actual ICP.) Grabbing Jill would only be a positive for Global’s morning show, in my opinion.

*     *     *

Nothing new today. The lovely Miss B. is away for two weeks. Fantastik is back tomorrow, which may provide me with a reason to observe with the sound turned off.

*     *     *

Listening to McCourt’s two-minute anti-bridge discourse just summed up everything I’ve ever heard spouted by an anti-arts crowd. I think Mike is in favour of burning down all the museums, bridges, libraries and other “tax grabs” by the arts community and throwing the money at, uhh, something or other that will make more sense – whatever that might be. Cowboy hats and half-tons, perhaps?

Although, I do have one question about that bridge. Is that a glass roof? If it is, it’s going to be a bear to walk through in the summer.

Did anyone besides me think that the official explanation of “swamp gas” in that Mexican resort explosion sound like a bunch of hogwash? It was obviously meant to soothe the Mexican tourist industry’s fear of a backlash by visitors. I think there’s much more to it than what is being said. News reports telling us that Mexican officials are investigating is like saying the keystone cops are on the job. Watch the circus continue.

Radio clowns. So. Not. Funny.

Louis B. is coming up. Will he be able to talk? Not without Spastik interjecting every possible second. Jesus, will someone please, please grow the balls to tell that moron to shut up? If Andrew can sit by and patiently wait to hear what Louis B. has to say about a movie, why can’t Spastik? I mean really, it’s all about the viewing audience, isn’t it? Isn’t it?

I just noticed. Fantastik is gone today! It did take me two hours to notice. Just goes to show how memorable she is. You can tune in on Monday also, dear readers. Fantastik will not return until Tuesday!

Jill Belland will be gone for the next two weeks. No reason to tune in, folks. Get out and do your Christmas shopping early this year.

*     *     *

Spastik declares it to be National have sex with a guy with a mustache day. Take a valium, Spastik. (In case anyone was wondering, his mustache is a tickler – or so he says.)

Jesus Christ, this jackass needs to get booted from this disaster.

WTF is going on with this show?

Will the Zaner be having sex with a guy with a mustache later today? After all, it is National have sex with a guy with a mustache day.

*     *     *

Today Jill Belland, a former Outrider (1998-2001) is doing something with cheerleading uniforms. I don’t know what, exactly, because I had the volume off.

By the way, has anyone seen Morning Glory? Jill, be careful, or you could become the next person on the roller coaster! Somehow, I just don’t think Andrew would succumb.

What’s with all the excitement on the local news stories about echelon plowing? This is a method of plowing snow on freeways, interstates and other multi-lane highways that has been in use for decades. Is Calgary so out of touch with the rest of the world that no one knew about this in previous years? Watch someone get a reward of some kind for proposing this snow plowing method that has been used in other jurisdictions for decades.

*     *     *

Andrew is away this morning, folks, thus making the show stunning in its jackassery. Mr. Dressup (my apologies to the real Mr. Dressup) is wearing a cowboy hat. Is it cowboy up day? And no, I am not turning up the volume to find out why.

*     *     *

How pathetic and desperate is it that the morning meetings can come up with nothing but an entire show spent wearing silly hats because it’s the forty-first (yes, that’s right, folks, the 41st!) anniversary of Sesame Street and the Muppets? 45 would rock on, but 41? What the hell is with that?

Perhaps it’s an opportunity for Spastik to showcase his artsy-craftsy side. I do hope no one has allowed him to use scissors that are sharp and pointy.

*     *     *

It sounds like Andrew Schultz is still there because he has a contract.

And it also sounds like both Spastik & Fantastik have some measure of control over the show. Today they made it very evident by means of their verbal sparring with Andrew while the two of them were outside clinging to his weather report. Spastik in particular let it be known indirectly that he has control. I wonder how that’s working out for him with Andy.

If you really want to experience the total drudgery that Spastik & Fantastik have turned this show into, turn off the volume and watch the visuals those two present. It’s heartbreakingly bad, ever moreso with the volume off. Spastik is particularly amusing, because, well, he’s just spastic.

Don’t take my word for it, folks. When you tune in to check on the jackasses, turn off the volume and be prepared for even more amazement.

Who in their right minds thought Spastik & Fantastik would be a draw in Calgary?

I would like to take this opportunity to thank the 40 or so daily readers of my posts concerning the decline of BT Calgary. When I started out with this discussion some months ago, I had no idea that there were so many of you who felt the same as I do. Unfortunately, we aren’t able to do anything about the show or the show’s management. They don’t care about their viewers – or at least, they don’t care about the viewers they had. Nor should they.

There will be no relief from those two jackasses, folks. Get over it and find another station.

Thank you BT Calgary for the joke you have become.

*     *     *

Would someone, anyone, tell the stoopids that we don’t want them insinuating themselves into Jill’s segments? Jill is capable of carrying her remotes all by herself, thank you very much.

Lose the radio clowns. They’re not funny in the slightest. In fact, they’re not anything. Get rid of them. Surely the stoopids can come up with something else? They’re television professionals, after all.

<< uncontrollable laughter >>

*     *     *

Turn it off.

If you can’t or won’t do that, then change the channel. There’s no point to watching jackasses making fools of themselves day after day after day. Since management jackasses won’t do anything about the quality of the show, it’s up to the viewers to tune it out.

*     *     *

Spastik’s intro to the entertainment news: Whatcha got for me, Jill?

Yes, you dumbass, because it’s all about you.

There’s a British version of Wipeout on TVtropolis, but it’s even worse than what’s on Calgary BT live right now. TCM is featuring Dark Passage with Humphy Bogart.

In other words, folks, turn it off, or change the channel. The efforts of Jill and Andrew are no longer capable of making this thing watchable.

Here’s to Calgary BT’s long slide into oblivion.

One final note to the show’s producer: There are not eleven days of remembrance; however, there is Remembrance Day, and that is on November 11. These people can’t even get that right.

*     *     *

Oh. My. God.

You have to tune in to see this.

Spastik & Fantastik are in drag. The way Spastik walks in those heels leads me to think that this isn’t the first time he’s worn them.

You have got to see the expressions on the faces of Jill and Andrew. Priceless.

Jill looks pretty good as Dorothy. Can I say cute? All she has to do is grin and bear it. Thankfully for Jill, she can now desert the sinking ship and head out of the studio to do her remote, leaving poor Andy behind to deal. Andy, well, poor Andrew’s costume doesn’t quite fit. But he’s a trouper.

The other two? Complete douchery.

Keep on smiling, Jill and Andrew.

Oh, have I mentioned that everyone is dressed for Hallowe’en?

Andrew just let it be known that Fantastik was the one that chose his costume. Just as I thought. Could it have been so hard for Fantastik to have found a costume that actually fit? Complete douchery.

As you all know, Jill Belland and Andrew Schultz have been the two people holding this show together since Spastik & Fantastik came on board. The two of them have demonstrated that they have more class in their little fingers than the hosts could hope to ever have in their entire bodies. Throughout it all, Andrew and Jill have smiled, laughed, taken it all in stride and continued to attempt to keep the calibre of Calgary BT’s morning show high enough to remain interesting for all of us. Unfortunately, the two of them are incapable of doing it all by themselves. Not only that, but they aren’t on-screen enough to do it.

The hosts are dull, insipid, unqualified for television and entirely unwatchable – even when in drag. Mike McCourt should have two pinheads this week, and they should be, wait for it… Spastik & Fantastik!

There’s no doubt about it Andrew, you are definitely in the Temple of Doom again this morning!

I’m starting to wonder when if it will ever dawn on Spastik & Fantastik how lame what a flop disaster this morning’s efforts at being relevant have become. These two can’t even get Hallowe’en right when they have an entire week to do it. No matter what they attempt, they are laughably incapable of carrying it off.

Speaking of laughably incapable, will we be seeing the radio clowns again today? I know it’s Friday, but we had to endure them yesterday, and I’m thinking no one can be so inept as to allow those bozos on two days in a row. Can they?

Why must Spastik constantly remind us that he’s the Oprah today? Personally, I’d say he looks more like a transvestite hooker in that costume, but that’s only me. (Disclaimer: I do not know, nor have I ever known, any transvestite hookers. Or any hookers, for that matter.)

Oh God, we just got a close-up. Spastik has glitter on his chest! Talk about being in-character.

Louis B. is coming up. Will he? Won’t he? (Be in costume, that is.) No. Thankfully. Will he be allowed to talk? Doubtful. At least Spastik & Fantastik didn’t ask him his age, or announce it to the world, when they presented him with his birthday cupcake. And yes, this week Louis B. was allowed to talk.

Who is the actress standing at the chalkboard while doing the recent commercial for the Alberta Teacher’s Association? She looks familiar.

Jesus, she isn’t serious, is she? No wonder she doesn’t have a career in music. (I’m sorry, but there is no further description available. You had to see it.)

Today’s one-word show descriptor: Flop. Disaster. (My apologies once again if I’m repeating myself here.)

The in-studio good sport award: Andrew. Definitely Andrew. For putting up with this horrendous travesty from day one.

Runner-up good sport award: Jill. At least she doesn’t have to be subjected to the studio stupids the way Andrew must.

Will it never end?

*     *     *

Remember folks, this is a television station so down and out that it runs paid infomercials by convicted fraudster Kevin Trudeau. Don’t believe that statement? Just do an online search to read all about that guy’s rap sheet.

It pains me greatly to watch the Zaner helping the extremely capable Jill with the entertainment news. Is it really necessary to have him there? Oh, right, it’s all about production control. None but the Dynamic Duo has any. That alone should be a warning to all of you out there. Never give control of anything to childish, untalented hacks, especially those untalented hacks that have been parachuted into a job from Toronto. It gives new meaning to the term back east management idiots.

Oh goody, now she helps with the business news. More waterfowl dies. Go figure. If they’re not flying into buildings, getting gassed for making a mess, being sucked into aircraft engines, flying into windmills or being shot during hunting season, they’re landing on tailings ponds. Current duck death toll: 350. This is news for anyone?

Will Hallowe’en never end for this show?

Yes, Zaner, the internet is so scary. Just like real life. Not.

Spastic.

Who put money into Rogers, and then asked the empire to hire their family members? It must have been obvious even to Rogers that they couldn’t put failed, unqualified and inexperienced people into major television markets. Much head-scratching certainly ensued as Rogers executives tried to figure out what to do. Finally, some genius proposed that they be parachuted into the midst of the southern Alberta hillbillies. Good move, Rogers. How’s that working out for you so far?

Spastic.

The show wants photos of your jack-o-lanterns. Will someone send them a photo of a pumpkin with hand and middle finger extended? Tell them it’s from me.

Jill Belland is flying high today at Mountain View Helicopters.

Every time those two attempt to segue into Jill’s remote I have to laugh my ass off. Jill is so smooth that she just blows them away. Ditto for when the Duo return from Jill’s remote. Spastic body movements combined with dumbass comments just doesn’t cut it as viable television material. Broadcast skool, anyone?

Yes, Andrew, we’re all crying over this show, and not because it’s making viewers happy. You can cry in a back room, but we have to cry in our living rooms.

Gosh, peeps, guess who came up with the lame and spastic quiz on movie theme music?  I don’t want to know why the Duo can’t hear the music because of her rock career. She had a career? I thought careers lasted more than five minutes. You can buy a rubber duckie and a bell to make sounds when you know the answer, folks. Then you wouldn’t have to subject your viewing audience to spastic hand and arm waving or to making noise with your pie-holes. Who comes up with these things in the morning meetings? And who runs with them?

Spastic.

Yes, Andrew, they’re a royal pain in the ass to work with, aren’t they? You should see it all from the other end of the camera.

Spastic.

The spastik fantastiks, my new name for the dynamic duo.

Is it Friday yet? I am so looking forward to an appearance by the radio clowns.

Note to Calgary Stampeders management: Please do not allow any member of the team to appear on-screen at the same time as Spastik & Fantastik. It demeans the franchise, and makes the team member look bad. I know the Spastik Fantastiks didn’t get it, but when an American black man talks about wearing a sheet for Hallowe’en, he’s not talking about a costume. You do get it, don’t you, dear readers?

We know what’s off the rails, Jill. We watch the show flying off the rails every single day.

What’s with Spastik’s fascination with Justin Bieber?

Lord Jesus, the radio clowns are on this morning! They dedicate a camera to this thing? Surely they’re in the same building. Fantastik can’t help but telegraph her costume for tomorrow.

Spastic.

I am so sorry I invoked the radio clowns earlier this morning. I will never do that again. I promise.

That’s it, Fantastik, talk over the sports now. Why not just eliminate Fantastik’s sports sidekick and let her do it all by herself? That’s my suggestion for the morning meeting.

Please don’t stroke the pumpkins. You two look stupid enough without adding pumpkin-stroker to your resumés.

Spastik is an idiot. Who else would stand around like a douche while wearing wings? I can’t wait to see what he’ll be wearing for Easter.

Andrew, the Spastik Fantastiks aren’t playing with a full deck, so you might as well give up on trying to win with those two.

Beyond The Headlines: Loud noise bad. Pictures of stupid people good.

Speaking of Halloweiners, here’s what I learned today: Andrew can top the Spastik Fantastiks just by doing the weather. Imagine that.

Thankfully, the radio clowns will not be on tomorrow, since we were blessed with their appearance today.

Hallowe’en tools, all of them.

*     *     *

First thing in the morning, Andrew, and I’m with you. They’re both morons. I don’t know how much longer I can subject myself to this television travesty. The Dynamic Duo have gone beyond amusing to just plain silly and entirely unamusing. It’s time for a replacement.

The Dynamic Duo have been nattering on all week about the costumes all will be wearing for Hallowe’en. This morning they announced that Andrew’s had arrived. (Didn’t he get to choose his own?) I can’t wait to see Andrew’s expression the first time he comes on-screen while wearing whatever horrendous and inappropriate outfit the Dynamic Duo have chosen for him. Readers, what do you think the Dynamic Duo have chosen for costumes for themselves? Will they put Jill in a costume for Friday’s remote? We will just have to wait and see.

Watching the Zainer doing the editorials during Jill’s entertainment news is just too horrifying to describe. Even Jill can’t help this guy. Later in the show, Tara Slone/Sloan will share the entertainment face time with Jill. Watch and see. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: The Dynamic Duo are lamers attempting to grab onto anything to gain the spotlight and keep from sinking into television irrelevancy in the local market.

Yes, Jill Belland, you definitely do have a career in television, unlike some of your coworkers, who I don’ t need to name. We all know the ones who don’t have a viable career. Anywhere.

Someone let the Zainer talk about testicular cancer this morning, and I thought for a split second that  live on television he was going to tell us all to check our balls. While you’re at it, why don’t you show us how to check our balls, you dimwit? That’s about your speed.

Seen on the crawl accompanying this morning’s show: Survey: Calgarians want more police on the streets.

During the election, there was a dust-up between the Calgary police chief and mayoral candidate Nenji about the police budget. I’m thinking that the police chief/Calgary Police Commission is firing the first shot with this police department sponsored survey. We’ve not heard the last of what I’m sure will be a down-and-dirty budget fight between city hall and the police department. Which councillors will be with Mayor Nenji, and who will side with the police department/police commission?

An internet user in the far east just used Yahoo to search for “dog and pony show”. What do you think was the first site to show up? If you guessed this one, you are absolutely right! (Sorry, no prize available.) My apologies to the person who was looking for an actual dog and pony show, but let me assure you that if you clicked on the link (and you did), you’ve found me talking about the dog and pony show characterized by BT Calgary.

A word for Tara Slone/Sloan: Singing the word “sports” doesn’t make you, doesn’t make you… oh, never mind. My head just exploded.

There’s nothing like watching one human chimp groom another human chimp on live television. My head just exploded again.

Does anyone else think that a week-long Hallowe’en extravaganza is about three days too long? It gets tired fast, doesn’t it? I’m thinking the show went with the week because they couldn’t come up with anything else in the meetings. That, and quite possibly no one else would suggest alternatives to the Dynamic Duo. It’s all about control over the show, and no one has any show control outside of the Dynamic Duo. Which just goes to demonstrate to us all that children shouldn’t be put in charge of anything. I can’t wait for the month-long Christmas extravaganza.

What I learned today: If I don’t want my head to explode, I shouldn’t watch this show.

Watching the Zaner use a hammer to decorate a pumpkin pretty much sums it all up for me.

*     *     *

Jill is out working in the garage on career week at SAIT. I just finished stocking up the beer fridge, so I hope she’s not sampling the wares. I’m not going to make any jokes about a new career for anyone now working at BT Calgary.

Other than that, it looks like another ho-hum show again this morning. At 7:00, Edward G. Robinson is appearing on TCM in a baseball movie, The Big Leaguer.

Jennifer Love Hewitt is absolutely no comparison whatsoever to Jill Belland in the looks department. Jill has had absolutely no plastic surgery, while it looks like Jennifer has had more than a little. Slow day on the desk today, Dynamic Duo?

Today, Hallowe’en controversy abounds, apparently. Candy, no candy. Sugar, no sugar. I’m so conflicted. A discussion ensues, as it does every year, on every morning television show in North America. A new angle, anyone?

One-half of the Dynamic Duo came out from behind the desk today to pretend she can play a guitar. Given her spastic performance, it’s no wonder she’s been banished to the hinterlands.

What I learned today: Pumpkinheads. (I know, I know, we’re only half-way through today’s show, but I just can’t help myself.) The Zaner has found his true calling: For two days now, he’s been carving pumpkins.

Watching the Dynamic Duo glom onto entertainment news is hilarious. They’re smart enough to know that the viewing audience doesn’t care to be watching them all that much, but they figured out that Andrew with sports and Jill are the prime interest for the viewing audience, thus the rush to capture any face time they can with those two. I’m telling you, dear reader, if any one of them could come up with a way to actually go out with Jill on her remotes and still be in-studio, they’d be there. It’s bad enough that they crowd side-by-side face time with those two popular show individuals.

*     *     *

Jill is at the library today, and will shortly be writing a check to cover her delinquent fines. As for the rest of us, we’ll certainly be frequenting the library more often to investigate other opportunities.

The remainder of the show is a writeoff. Uninspired. Dull. Boring. No surprise there.

TCM is featuring an Ingrid Bergman movie, Goodbye Again, so I’m switching back and forth only to catch Jill’s remotes.

*     *     *

Will we be subjected to more childish and juvenile bathroom humour today? We’ll just have to wait and see.

Speaking of childish and juvenile, the Zaner is back, doing childish and juvenile entertainment news. Can anyone understand a word he says?

The Dynamic Duo is breaking wind in sing-song mode this morning. The Zaner has been absent for two days, so I expect we’ll be subjected to all kinds of little twitches, cooing, giggling, gurgling, hand-waving, song-and-dance routines and other unbridled, spastic movements as they catch up on nothing.

It’s getting harder and harder to watch this disaster in the morning. The Dynamic Duo talk over everything and everyone, guests included. Rudeness abounds. I can’t understand a word the Zaner says. How pathetic this once-watchable show has become.

It’s Friday, and that means we must be subjected to the radio clowns. So. Not. Funny. Lose them. Except, we won’t. The radio clowns have become a signature part of Friday’s show. Who allowed that to happen? Take a guess.

Louis B. is here on Friday too. Will we be able to listen to Louis tell us about movies we might want to see, or will he yet again be talked over by the Dynamic Duo? Go with the talkover, folks. Cleansing moment, cleansing moment be damned. (Yes, dear reader, you had to see it to believe it.)

It’s sad watching the Dynamic Duo cling to Jill’s entertainment remotes. They obviously have realized that Jill Belland has the abilities, the glitz and the glimmer – not to mention the glamour – that appeals to an actual viewing audience. The Zaner’s crowning entertainment quip of the day: Have fun on that couch there, Jill.

Pathetic.

Would someone at that godforsaken television station explain to the Zaner about Dreams Take Flight? You know, something about what it is? Who the contributors are? Did anyone consider pointing him to the website, in order that he might actually educate himself before he blathers on about what a great time he had? Viewers might want to actually know something about the foundation and the people who volunteer their time and resources! It’s called publicity for the free ride you received, you dimwit. I’m hoping the station had to make a donation to get the ride.

Rather than giving us information about the Dreams Take Flight foundation and the people who volunteer their time and resources, we get the Dynamic Duo making fools of themselves doing something childish and stupid. Nothing new there, since we’re all aware that the station has been making fools of its dwindling viewing audience for months now. Excuse me while I have a cleansing moment, cleansing moment.

What I learned today: Fools ‘r’ us.

Allow me to have another cleansing moment, cleansing moment.

*     *     *

In keeping with this week’s human excrement theme, the station is looking for things you’ve flushed down the toilet. To miss that, I considered gouging my eyes out with a pointy stick, but then I wouldn’t get to see Jill’s remote from Peters’ Drive-In. My most sincere apologies for including excrement and food in the same paragraph, but if Calgary BT can do it, why can’t I?

Here’s my take on this continuing disaster and how it will play out:

• Shrill-voiced harpy Tara Sloan/Slone is by now very aware of how Andrew and Jill steal the show every time they’re on-camera. Having the Zaner help out as co-host/sidekick hasn’t improved her on-camera performance the way Toronto Management Dunderheads initially thought it would.
• I believe that within three months, Andrew and Jill will be replaced. It has become extremely obvious that those two very capably steal the thunder from Tara Slone/Sloan and her useless co-host. They so easily dance rings around everyone else without even trying.

Will I be right? Will I be wrong? Who’s to know, but I do know that viewers aren’t happy with the show’s state of affairs as they now exist. With control over some content probably given to Tara Slone/Sloan in order to get her to come west from Toronto to the land of the great unwashed, we’re not going to see any improvement in this dog any time soon.

What we are going to see is more of the same.

I have to laugh at the absurdity of Tara Sloan/Slone appearing on-screen with Jill on remote doing the entertainment news. Talk about trying to share the limelight by grabbing at straws. Any straws. Actually, it looks more like grabbing at a lifejacket floating by as the show floats down the Bow River.

What I learned today: Two days minus the Zaner can be marvelous!

*     *     *

I tuned in 90 minutes late this morning. The Zaner’s absence doesn’t make my heart grow fonder; however, he is off doing good with the annual Dreams Take Flight Children’s Charity flight to Disneyworld, from whence he will return tomorrow. Andrew Schultz is more than ably filling in.

Jill is looking absolutely gorgeous in a sari while giving us a preview of the South Asian Bridal Festival. You’ll have to find the link on your own, since I don’t post social network links – or name them.

Tomorrow, dear reader (yes, there is at least one), Jill will be wearing a poodle skirt at Peters’ Drive-In. Inquiring minds want to know if Jill will also be wearing the requisite bobby sox and saddle shoes.

Today’s show is humming along rather smoothly, don’t you all think? Sans the Zaner, it all seems worth it.

Well, it was running along smoothly until Tara Sloan/Slone wrapped up today’s show by reading an email with the word pee in it multiple times. While I’m sure Tara Slone/Sloan thought repeating “pee” a dozen times on Calgary BT was cute, I was so astounded that I didn’t get a chance to check the expression on Andrew Schultz’s face. Does anyone know what it was?

Can anyone tell me what the hell is going on with this show? First we have the Zaner and his overdone multiple scat references. Today we get Tara Slone/Slone reading piss emails to us. Please give us all a break, station management, and try to get some semblance of control over those two, will you?

There are no direct email links to station management – probably for a reason. If readers would like to express their displeasure directly to the station, all they will get is a ridiculous form page for submitting comments. There’s a link at the very bottom of the page which will take you to this silly little contact page. Obviously, they aren’t looking for much in the way of wordy submissions, are they?

*     *     *

Good morning! I’m Mr. Smiley, and I’ll be filling in today for the regular blog poster who is taking a break. Mr. Smiley doesn’t have a lot of experience, so please be kind to Mr. Smiley as he tries to make sense of Calgary’s very nice morning breakfast television show.

Mr. Smiley is shocked at the negative comments that have been made about Miss Tara and Mr. Zain. Mr. Smiley doesn’t think that the viewing audience has given the co-hosts a fair chance. Sometimes, people can’t control the direction the parachute of life takes them, and they are dropped into situations over which they have no control.

Mr. Smiley was pleased to learn by Mr. Zain’s own admission that he broke down in tears while watching the very nice election results for the Calgary mayoral race. Obviously his connection to the city runs deep.

Miss Jill is a gym rat today and will be encouraging Mr. Smiley and the rest of you to break a sweat first thing in the morning.

Mr. Zain is helping Miss Jill do the entertainment news. Mr. Zain’s spastic hand movements help to complement Miss Jill’s presentation. At the end of the entertainment news, Mr. Zane made a very nice remark concerning the cute little outfit Jill is wearing at the gym. While some might consider Mr. Zain’s comment to be sexist, I think it was very nice of Mr. Zain to encourage Miss Jill to do her workout.

Miss Tara is helping with the business news. It is very nice of her to stand by in case the very nice, well-dressed old person has a heart attack or stroke while telling us all about what is going on in the business world.

Miss Tara is helping Mr. Andrew with the sports news. Miss Tara brings a very nice sense of humour to sports, as shown by giggling during her very nice presentation.

Miss Jill has admitted to her trainer that she thinks she has chub rub. Mr. Smiley begs to differ. Miss Jill couldn’t look more fit than she does this morning. However, on Thursday, Miss Jill will be breaking training at Peters’ Drive-In.

Miss Tara and a very nice well-dressed old person are interviewing the new mayor-elect of Calgary. It is very nice of Miss Tara to be standing by in case the very nice, well-dressed old person has a heart attack or a stroke. More very nice election result interviews will follow.

Mr. Zain is so excited over the election results that he can’t stop waving his arms and giggling with unfettered enthusiasm.

Mr. Smiley has become intrigued by the very nice Mr. Zain’s segment on The Great Treasure Hunt, consequently Mr. Smiley is deserting his position as today’s guest blog poster and is running off to sea to search for sunken treasure. Mr. Smiley would like to thank all of the very nice readers and wish them the best of luck babysitting the childish co-hosts of the moron morning show at BT Calgary.

What Mr. Smiley learned today: Mr. Zane declared himself to be Muslim.

No word on the faith of those surrounding Mr. Zain. Mr. Smiley thinks they have too much class for making any such expressions of religious sentiment.

It is one of Mr. Smiley’s fondest hopes that the very nice viewing audience be subjected to no further outbreaks involving declarations of religious faith, inshallah.

*     *     *

Tune in to watch as Calgary Breakfast Television and the Dynamic Duo of Tara Sloan/Slone and the Zaner attempt to ram more excrement down viewer throats.

Watching and listening to the Zaner do entertainment news is like having a sudden case of diarrhea in a public place. You know have to leave, but you don’t want anyone to notice the brown spot on the back of your pants.

My apologies for the continuation of last Friday’s excrement segment that the Zaner was so proud of presenting to us all.

We’ve just been given a breathless presentation by Tara Sloan/Slone and the Zaner of the construction being done on the set. I wonder if Management Dunderheads were smart enough to hire a contractor, or if Corporate Dunderheads back east in Toronto forced Calgary employees to do the construction themselves to save money.

Will we have another tour by the Big Boss when the construction is complete?

I don’t know about others watching, but during the tour did you notice the lack of actual people on the set?

It’s no wonder there was no camera on Barb Higgins during her rant on Thursday. There’s no one at the station to point and focus the damned things. You’re a television station, and you’re running without adequate help. Imagine that. Toronto Dunderheads reign supreme. This show is going nowhere faster than I thought.

How long will it be before the expense of the remote production is eliminated entirely by the Toronto Dunderheads?

While Mike McCourt is doing the first newscast of the morning, I’m thinking to myself how irrelevant an old man is to today’s viewers. Mike isn’t the only old man on television reading words. CTV and the CBC have old men doing the same thing. I’m thinking that if your business is based on faces and you want to stay relevant, you should probably replace that tired, old and wrinkled face with a young face.

Speaking of face time on teevee, I don’t need more with Tara Slone/Sloan, but there’s no getting rid of her now, given Corporate Dunderheads in Toronto have decreed that she be the new poser poster girl for station and event promos.

Today’s one word show descriptor: Insipid.

Things to look forward to on today’s show:

Things to look forward to on Thursday’s remote: Peter’s Drive-In. Jill will be wearing a poodle skirt and roller skates. Don’t miss it!

Oh, another floor tour. Is it obvious only to me how Andrew steals the show every time he’s on-screen with the Dynamic Duo? The two of them walk by his green screen on their way to give us yet another look at irrelevant Mike McCourt, and Andrew puts on a hard hat. Has this guy got it going on or what? It is so unfortunate that the talents of both Andrew Schultz and Jill Belland go completely unnoticed by Toronto Dunderheads.

Floor tour hint: When you come to a wire, don’t jump over it. Step over it, otherwise you’ll look like a Toronto dunderhead.

As for the Dynamic Duo, Mr. and Ms. Personality they’re not. The underwear girl on the Marks commercial has more personality than those two combined, and she doesn’t utter a single word…

Unlike Tara Sloan/Slone, who continues to mug and talk over others. Can someone else start a collection to send her to the Greenland School of Broadcast Ignoramuses? I’m busy collecting for the Zaner.

Golly-gee, Tara Slone/Sloan’s life has changed since having a baby. Imagine that. Tell the women something they don’t already know when they have a child, Toto. Oooooooo, and now the Zaner tells us something about something. Or something. The Dynamic Duo has decided that they’re not the same people. Imagine the implications of that, dear reader. Should you cross paths with the Dynamic Duo, don’t attempt to draw them into a philosophical discussion, because they won’t be the same people. Or something.

Thirty minutes left in today’s show. Has it been worth watching so far? No. Does anyone care? No. Will I tune in tomorrow? Yes, but only to watch two terminally stupid people say completely stupid things, wave their hands and arms, and generally be two of the stupidest people on television. Oh, wait, I’ve already said that.

Oh well.

What I learned today: Two of the stupidest people on television continue to be stupid and on Canadian television!

And through it all, Andrew and Jill just keep on smiling. I don’t know how they manage to do it.

*     *     *

To further ensure the irrelevancy of this dunderheaded television station and its moron morning show, no one kept the cameras rolling during the Barb Higgins off-stage rant. If that pretty much doesn’t say it all about this excuse for a television station, I don’t know what does. Further, no one had a phone capable of taking moving pictures? WTF is with that? It’s 2010.

Jill Belland will be at Peters’ Drive-In on Thursday, October 21 from 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. Be there or be square!

Ric McIver interview so far: Softball. But then, what else is new with this television station’s dunderheads? McIver is obviously a very media-savvy smooth and polished politician, unlike many of the contenders for Calgary mayor. For me, that’s one of his disadvantages, but I can see that for others, that polish is a huge draw, since it looks so good. (Disclaimer: I’m not able to vote in Calgary’s election.)

Oh for crying out loud, Mike, ask McIver about some policy issues, not his standing in past polls. Do you think he’ll do all right at siddy hall, Mike?

Mike didn’t ask Ric if he paced back and forth in his kitchen while trying to decide whether to run or not. Why would he ask that of Barb Higgins, and not ask it of Ric McIver? Does Mike have a problem with women who attempt to step out of the kitchen? Inquiring minds want to know.

Such a condescending interview I’ve not seen, but then, given the loser status of this television station and its inept Management Dunderheads, production staff and most of its employees, I’m no longer surprised by anything that appears on-screen.

It’s all about amateur hour productions, good only for recent graduates of the Greenland School of Broadcasting Incompetents.

Speaking of amateur hour, the completely useless and un-funny radio clowns are back. It must be Friday. Both of them should be banished to float down the Bow River with the rest of the show. Does anyone have any idea why we must be subjected to those two dummies? Obviously Tara Sloan/Slone’s idea, but why? Today I noted with interest Andrew’s lack of participation in the segment. He got his fill last Friday, I’m sure, when he had to sit in for Tara Slone/Sloan.

Will Louis B. get an opportunity to get a word in edgewise today? Nope, it doesn’t look like it. Zaner, shut up and let Louis B. do his thing. Tara Sloan/Slone, close your pie-hole and let Louis B. tell us about the movies. Not a chance. Louis B., my fondest hope for you is that you will desert this useless segment and leave it for the Dynamic Duo to ‘splain the movies to us.

Dumbest thing I’ve heard this morning: Tara Slone/Sloan can’t Google the movie Red and come up with any meaningful web sites, since there are so many reds. It comes as no surprise that she’s not aware of the many movie opinion sites that are available, including imdb.com.

The Zaner will be showing up with Katherine Heigl doing a remote. Will  Heigl and the Zaner appear with shit on their faces to publicize the movie? I never saw anything so silly and stupid as when I caught a trailer for this piece-of-shit movie depicting Heigl with shit on her face after changing a diaper. Need I say it again? In the trailer, she had shit on her face. Ask her about that, Zaner.

We all pretty much knew it wasn’t real shit, Zaner, but thanks for ramming more Calgary BT shit down our throats by pretending to eat shit. It’s a breakfast show, you moron.

Jill got to follow this stupidity, and even she wasn’t able to eradicate the memory of the Zaner eating shit on tee-vee.

What I learned today: We’re all doomed to more shit from this excuse for a breakfast television show.

Now that the station’s one-day, flash-in-the-pan Barb Higgins extravaganza is over with and forgotten, this excuse for a television station can continue with it’s irrelevance to the Calgary television market.

*     *     *

After that disastrous Barb Higgins interview (YouTube link here – watch the complete lack of policy questions) courtesy of Mike McCourt, will tomorrow’s mayoral candidate interview be a softball pitch to the next? Stay tuned for more. Don’t forget to leave your comments on Mike’s interview fiasco.

And no, Mike, we learned more about this station’s Management Dunderheads than we did about a former professional broadcaster turned mayoral candidate that certain people are jealous of. Her standing in the polls says more than you ever could.

Mike actually had the temerity to tweet about the interview:

Barb Higgins: doan wantya thinkin’ I blowin’ own horn, but…if she gets sore with interviewer, how she gonna handle heat at siddy hall?

Mike, Barb Higgins will handle the heat at siddy hall better than you handled the opportunity for an interview with a candidate who is a leader in the polls.

Fire. Them. All.

*     *     *

If you would like to listen to a radio interview with call-ins that actually ask Barb some meaningful policy questions, go here. I’m impressed with both the questions and her answers. There are two audio tracks, just below the picture. (Disclaimer: I’m not able to vote in Calgary’s mayoral contest.)

*     *     *

Calgary mayoral candidate Barb Higgins will be appearing shortly with the Zaner. I wonder if he’ll ask her how old she is, giggle at her husband’s name (she’s not married), and other inanities?

Mike McCourt tried to play hardball, but Barb blew him away. The viewing audience was treated to questions about a campaign manager that was dismissed weeks ago. What relevance does that have to today’s campaign policy, Mike? If anyone – including Mike – was paying attention to her campaign, they would have noticed that immediately after the campaign manager’s departure, Barb Higgins’ political stock went sky-high.

Mike, how about asking Barb about policy, rather than demonstrating a bias against the candidate?

It became obvious very quickly during the interview (“pacing  up and down the kitchen”, Mike? Would you use that phrase were it a man?) that Mike had a bone to pick with Higgins. Unfortunately, no one knows what the bone was. Given McCourt’s line of questioning, what should have been an informative interview very quickly turned irrelevant, thanks to Mike’s uninformed and obviously biased one-sided discussion. What I want to know is, who helped Mike draft the questions?

Good grief, McCourt called her a marionette because she was asked to run. I wasn’t aware Mike had puppet fantasies in his off-screen life.

The appearance was publicized as an informational look at the candidacy of a mayoral candidate. The rug was pulled out from under the viewing audience (and Barb Higgins) by an interviewer (McCourt) with his own, or possibly someone else’s, agenda. The viewer ended up with nothing. I might add that this has been the tone of Calgary Breakfast Television for months now.

Ms Higgins almost walked off-camera at the end of the interview. I’m glad she didn’t.

The bottom line on mayoral candidate Barbara Higgins’ appearance on Calgary BT: Not even an appearance by an extremely popular mayoral candidate and broadcasting professional can drag this show into television relevance for Calgary.

Fire. Them. All.

Zaner, no one cares about your career in television, because, we’re all experiencing it live on tee-vee and it is patently obvious to all of us that you aren’t capable of having a tee-vee career! We are not impressed. Nor are we amused. However, I do have time to listen to Andrew Schultz talk about his broadcasting background.

As for the other one, who cares?

Note to producer:

Bah, it wouldn’t do any good anyway.

Can we put a stop to the Dynamic Duo being parachuted into everything? (I guess not, since both were parachuted into Calgary for just that purpose.) Jill Belland can handle it all on her own. She doesn’t need help. Zaner, go away.

Yes, yes, I know, dear reader. That isn’t going to happen any time soon.

Must we be subjected to a shot of Royal Wood with a sign on a window in the background that says, “Please use pedestrian walkway” while he performs?  How about moving one of the the cameras just a tad to make the sign invisible to the viewing audience. Is everyone incompetent on this thing? Obviously, yes.

What I learned today: Jill has a woggle. Need I say more? Go, Jill!

*     *     *

Note to Calgary BT Management Dunderheads:

• If you let Tara Slone/Sloan take over the entire business report, as she is wont to do since she has insinuated herself into it, you can cut Mike McCourt’s raison d’être in half. Allow the Zaner to do the news, and Mike can be sent down the road, thus saving the station countless dollars.
• Continuing in this vein, if Tara Sloan/Slone would just learn how to work a weather clicker thingy (which I’m sure she calls it), Tara Sloan/Slone would then be marginally capable of taking over the weather slot, thus eliminating Andrew Schultz’s position. More cash savings for the station.
• I have no input on how to get Tara Slone/Sloan out to do all of Jill Belland’s remotes and still appear in-studio, but I’m working on it. Perhaps a green screen?

All of this will surely give Calgary BT’s headline star an opportunity to really shine as the leader in ensuring the continued financial viability of the station, which I’m sure is of major concern to Corporate Dunderheads back east in Toronto.

Oh god, they’re all going to be dressed up for Hallowe’en. How original. Thank goodness it actually occurs on a Sunday. I’m taking bets that at least one-half of the Dynamic Duo will appear as a vampire. No surprise there, since they’ve been sucking the life out of their show, the viewing audience and advertisers for months now.

Zaner. Please stop pointing. No more pointing at the camera. No more pointing at the viewers. No more pointing.

Speaking of uncoordinated movement, how’s my collection for the Zaner’s Greenland School for Broadcasting Ignoramuses coming along? Remember folks, if we can gather enough donations to ship him off, we’re rid of him for a couple of years, at least.

Oooh! Tara Slone/Sloan is flinging around some French this morning. Can we have some more of that horizon-broadening  for the Alberta hillbilly audience? That will certainly endear her to many of us.

Can we please get back to Jill? Thank you.

What I learned today:

*     *     *

Beware of Greeks bearing Big Apple gifts. Here’s hoping Andrew’s license plate is a good omen for his heading down the road to bigger and brighter things on-air. I’m thinking that Jill’s Statue of Liberty foam crown isn’t going to be on her head any time soon, but that’s only me.

Thankfully, there have been no clips of anyone breaking wind in the Big Apple. So far. Did the endless hours of tape get lost in airline luggage hell? Let’s hope so.

It’s not to be, folks. We’ll have the clips going on all morning.

Oh, and Tara Sloan/Slone: Regarding your cutaway comment about Andrew having bad breath. How freaking stupid are you? Moderately stupid? Insanely stupid? Or just your run-of-the-mill stupid? I’m going with insanely stupid myself.

This isn’t the first time this has happened with fellow employees. When  untalented hacks begin denigrating co-workers, you just know that there’s  something going on in the background. I’m thinking the Dynamic Duo has finally figured out that they’re no-talent losers who have floated to the top, surrounded and aided by a sea of competent people. Unfortunately, woefully incompetent Management Dunderheads can’t tell shit from shinola, thus we Calgary hillbillies are stuck with the Dynamic Duo dunderheads.

*     *     *

Calgary BT is doing a three-hour Best of BT on Thanksgiving Day. I’m going to try to tune in for some of it if I can. It should be interesting if only to see what the Dunderheads choose for the “best” clips. Stay tuned, folks.

How anyone, and I do mean anyone, in Corporate thought the Dynamic Duo could be parachuted into a three-hour, five-day-a-week television breakfast show needs explaining. People with no training, no background, obviously no experience, no talent and no interest in learning as they go, is not the way to staff a show, even for the great unwashed known as the Calgary hillbillies. Typical Toronto bull – – – -. Ram it down their hillbilly throats and they’ll be forced to like it whether they want it or not.

News flash: It’s growing on the Calgary hillbillies, but it’s growing like a fungus that they want to get rid of.

The Alberta hillbillies don’t like it. The Alberta hillbillies don’t want it. And furthermore, the Alberta hillbillies would like to send it back to Toronto C.O.D. to be stuffed up Corporate’s rear end.

*     *     *

Is there any chance we can get Captain Jack Sparrow to show up on the set of Calgary BT to help us all stage a mutiny? Somehow, I don’t think a letter to Johnny Depp will do it. In fact, I don’t even think a petition to Management Dunderheads would do it. What do you say, dear readers?

Watching the Zaner help Mike McCourt do the business report is like watching Tara Slone/Sloan help Andrew with the weather. You sit in amazement. Speaking of which, did any of you see Tara Sloan/Slone actually try to do Andrew’s weather presentation a couple of weeks ago? The poor woman obviously thought it would be a lark to do. Was she wrong! Can we get to see it on the Thanksgiving Day show highlights? Producers, how about it?

Let’s see if I have this right: The station sent an actual cameraman to accompany Tara Slone/Sloan and a contest winner to the Big Apple for three days. So far, all we’ve seen is stills. Could the material be so bad that massive editing is required? My condolences to the cameraman who probably had to bust his ass to get anything usable. Please don’t tell us that all next week we’re going to be forced to watch Tara Slone/Sloan breaking sing-song wind in Times Square and on Broadway. Please!

Finally! Jill gets to do her thing in a fire truck.

How pathetic is it that the only redeeming factors about the nightmare this thing has become are Jill Belland and her remotes, and Andrew Schultz’s weather. Management Dunderheads, those two all by themselves can’t save the show without giving them additional air time, minus the Dynamic Duo.

Zane, Zane, Zane, you just don’t cut it as a mayoral candidate interviewer. You ask a woman how old she is. You ask a man about the name of his wife and make silly jokes about it when he tells you. Please just give it a rest. Thankfully, today is the last day for the Zaner’s incisive interview techniques.

When Andy finally gets some air time, Dunderheads let Zane accompany him. Unfortunately, Zane, due to a lack of a broadcast education, has no idea what to do. I’m starting a fund to collect cash to send Zane to broadcast school. I’m thinking the four-year course at the Greenland School for Broadcasting Ignoramuses would be a good beginning. We don’t need no steenking online skool, since that would mean the Zaner would be hanging around the studio all day.

What’s with the two radio clowns? Was that Tara Sloan/Slone’s idea? Lose it, please. I can see Andy keeping an eye on the console in order that his eye rolling isn’t visible during his time on-screen for this segment. My sentiments also, Andrew.

Can we just get back to Jill in the fire truck? Please? Here we go. Way to wheel that truck, Jill. Damn the cones, full speed ahead!

I can see Louis B. in the background waiting for his regular Friday appearance. Thankfully, one-half of the Dynamic Duo is absent, so we should be able to get something meaningful from him regarding movies that we might want to watch. As you may recall, last week the Dynamic Duo walked and talked all over Louis B., rendering his appearance basically meaningless and unwatchable.

Today’s appearance: barely watchable, thanks to Zane being incapable of keeping his mouth shut. Zane, in case Management Dunderheads haven’t prepped you, Louis B. is here to tell his viewing audience about movies that we might want to watch. When the viewers want your take on a movie, we’ll start a write-in campaign to have you replace Louis B.

For crying out loud, the Zaner is interviewing obscure celebrity-author Carla Collins and he hasn’t asked her what the book is about. What’s the author’s background? Why write a book about angels, vampires and douchebags? She was in show business? What did she do? What was she on? If you’ve not heard of her, you’ll never know. Management Dunderheads, in future would you please provide the Zaner with a powerpoint outline of questions he might want to ask?

Who in their right mind at Rogers ever thought the Zaner was capable of hosting a television show?

Okay, forget about that nightmare. On to Mike Yawney and Andrew talking tech and turkey applications for the smartphone. No mention is made of the Dynamic Duo turkeys inhabiting this thing.

Jill, can we get you to bring back a couple of those fire hall traffic cones to the studio? Next week we can all watch as Management Dunderheads present them to the Dynamic Duo for a job well done taking the show down the toilet to barely float in the Bow River.

What I learned today: That pained smile on Andy’s face is getting harder and harder to cover up. You have my most sincere sympathies, Andrew.

*     *     *

I would like to propose a solution to what I see as the Rogers Communications dilemma concerning Calgary Breakfast TV:

1. Immediately declare that auditions for the two hosting positions are now closed.
2. Profusely thank everyone for participating in the auditions.
3. Declare Andrew Schultz and Jill Belland as the new hosts of Calgary Breakfast TV.
4. Look out the windows of corporate and watch those Calgary hillbillies come back to watching the show.
5. Clap everyone concerned on the back for a job well-done.
6. Never mention the names Tara Sloan/Slone and Zain Meghji again in Alberta.

* * *

Advance publicity for tomorrow’s show: Tune in to see Jill Belland drive a fire truck. No advance on what Tara Sloan/Slone is doing in the Big Apple, but I’m betting we’re all better off not knowing.

* * *

Dear Calgary BT station management, Rogers Communications, and the hosts of Calgary Breakfast Television,

The tone of the Calgary BT show has taken a decided turn for the worse since Tara Slone/Slone and Zain Meghji were brought on board. Whether management, corporate, local or the two hosts are responsible for the downward slide this thing has taken, is immaterial.

Allow me to present a couple of examples of what I consider to be personal invective taken to its on-screen extreme.

• Staff have been chastised and shamed on-screen for things that are done completely off-screen. Viewers don’t care that someone blows their nose off-screen. Viewers don’t want to hear about it, station management. WE DON’T WANT OR NEED TO KNOW ABOUT IT. Can I make myself any clearer on the subject?
• Viewers don’t care how someone gets rid of their chewing gum before their segment begins. Furthermore, to draw out the discussion for two days is inexcusable. VIEWERS DON’T WANT OR NEED TO KNOW ABOUT IT. Can I make myself any clearer on the subject?
• Additionally, the viewing audience doesn’t need to hear about it for two days running. Get it?

Furthermore,

• Discussions of scat should at all costs be avoided first thing in the morning.
• Open-mouthed food pictures of a co-host are déclassé, even if we are celebrating her absence.

I could go on and on, but we all know what I’m talking about, as evidenced by a quick viewing of your morning show.

Can we please make a collective attempt to get this thing back on the rails and make it a breakfast television show that an audience will want to watch and appreciate? How, you might ask? Don’t ask me. It’s not my job. It’s yours. Just do it! As a viewer, I don’t get an opportunity for input, other than by turning this nightmare off, or changing the channel.

Yours truly,

A fed up, disgusted member of your viewing audience.

* * *

Yes, yes, I know I’m a tad early for tomorrow’s show, but with Toto away in the Big Apple and likely to start her remote segments, I’m taking bets on how long it will be before she breaks Big Apple wind. Any takers?

* * *

Is it possible that the one-half of the Dynamic Duo breaking wind in the Big Apple doesn’t know how to work a web cam on a phone? Tell me it’s true, and that we have the remainder of the week to enjoy the show. You’re all disappointed, aren’t you?

Well, the credibility of Mike’s business segment has been shot to hell. Who among us thinks Zane knows what a stock ticker is? We all knew Tora’s box of hammers got a lot of use during the business segment, but now Zane has informed us that he’s in the same league.

I still can’t believe that Toto has hit the Big Apple minus a camera capable of taking moving pictures. Isn’t that so ’90s? If Jill Belland was away on this Big Apple gig, she’d be so hooked up that we’d get to see it all in real time. I’m not complaining though. It’s such a relief knowing that we’re all on a sing-song vacation this week.

I’m betting that the Dynamic Duo are burning up the phone lines post-show with discussions of how unbearable it is to be off the grid this week. One half of the Duo is running around the studio like a lost puppy, while the other is incommunicado in New York City hell, hanging out with a common viewer. I feel sorry for the viewer who won that ticket.

Who the hell is Brad King, and why must I be subjected to him telling me what I need and don’t need during those unbearable supplement spots? Oh, sorry. It’s advertising, something that the station needs to survive. Did anyone see Brad during his laxative commercial a couple of weeks ago? Now that was quite a show.

Zane, thanks for the explanation of Facebook friending, but I think we’ve got it. It’s been around since 2004, a lifetime in digital years.

For crying out loud, Zane just informed us that Andy blew his nose off-screen during his weather presentation. WTF is with that? This man is a moron. Get him off of this show! (Zane, not Andrew, in case there’s some doubt.) Next we’ll know who’s scratching his ass and adjusting his testicles. Can’t wait for that.

Is there not some kind of broadcasting skool (misspelling intentional) that the stupids can attend? Perhaps a correspondence course? Online? Something? Anything?

Can we just dispense with Zane’s touchy-feely mayoral candidate interviews? They’re meaningless, stupid and insipid. And that’s the interviewer I’m talking about, not the mayoral candidate. On the other hand, studio audience questions should be encouraged. Perhaps Zane’s segment could be turned into more studio audience participation.

Good grief, Zane just asked a mayoral candidate her age. Zane, since you don’t ask the ages of the men who appear, it is probably a good idea not to ask the women. Get a clue, you moron.

Can we please let Jill do an entertainment spot with out Zane talking over her to let us know how he feels about it all? Thank you.

Management, in case you’re complete dunderheads – and so far, I’m thinking that you are – Jill Belland is an asset for this thing, not a liability. Give her some room.

Good one, Andy. You’re a true showman, and far too good for this thing.

Seen on today’s crawl: Yahoo jazzes up search results to compete with Bing. Does anyone actually use Yahoo to search for anything?

What I learned today: Tara Sloan/Slone is away in the wilds of the Big Apple, but unfortunately it has made no difference for today’s show. But, dear viewer, there is always tomorrow.

And yes! There is a tomorrow. Jill Belland will be driving a fire truck! Go, Jill.

* * *

Jill is cooking for us today! YaY! There’s nothing like a good woman cooking for her man first thing in the morning. (Disclaimer #1: I am not, nor have I ever been, Jill’s man. I do not know the woman. Disclaimer #2: I most definitely do not believe that it is a woman’s duty to cook breakfast.)

Zane is wearing a jacket and tie. Did someone die?

Oh, wait! Toto has clicked her heels and is magically off to the Big Apple today – a horrible loss for the show. Does anyone miss the sing-song wind breaking?

Mount Royal students were allowed to ask many more questions of the mayoral candidate this morning. In my opinion, that’s a good thing, considering that in the previous two days it appeared as though only a token number of the many students in-studio were permitted to query the candidates.

Did Andy’s Cell-Brella pitch completely take Zane by surprise? If so, it was brilliant. Go, Andy. Producers, you rock!

Does anyone else besides me think that today’s three hours went by rather quickly? It seems like mere moments ago when the show began, and now, we’re done for the day. I’m left to wonder if that has anything to do with one-half of the Dynamic Duo being absent. I’ll just have to tune in for tomorrow’s full-length show to find out for myself.

Seen on the crawl accompanying this morning’s show: 100 drunken B.C. women brawl over male stripper.

What I learned today: The show may be down one-half of the Dynamic Duo, but that appears to have encouraged more viewers to tune in and pay attention to the show.

*     *     *

She’s breaking sing-song wind right off the top today, folks.  Read below for a description.

Yes, Toto, you’re too old to play Annie. Arf!

Jill, there’s no doubt about it, you’ve got class. You’re always up to good-natured participation in the goings-on around you. Nothing appears to faze you. The smile remains throughout your segments, no matter which host steps all over. You go, girl.

Zane, shut up, get out of the way and allow the Crash Test Dummies to perform. We can watch you any day. Unfortunately.

I’m with you, Andrew. It’s a teeth-clenching, head-nodding, lip-pursing, jaw-dropping, eye-narrowing performance by the Dynamic Duo. Unfortunately, we’re all stuck with it, since the only alternative is to turn it off. And if we do that, what will keep us amused this early in the morning?

Peeps, could we get back to Jill singing with the cast of Annie? You know, like, give her more air time in order that the show might become bearable to watch?

Toto is breaking sing-song wind again. A fitting end to today’s show.

Teeth-gritting, I agree.

Can anyone understand a word of what Zane says, or am I completely alone in that department?

*     *     *

This week the Dynamic Duo has begun interviewing Calgary’s mayoral candidates. I can’t wait for the incisive questions that are sure to follow. Do you cry at chick flicks? What’s the last movie you saw at a theatre? What do you do for fun? What’s your favourite band? And no, dear reader, I didn’t make those up.

I’m depending on the the SAIT students in the audience to actually ask questions. I’m not disappointed. Mike McCourt doesn’t do badly either.

What I learned today: Toto can’t talk while she’s got her mouth full of food. Please keep feeding her on-screen.

*     *     *

Would someone let Louis B. talk? Or better yet, cancel his appearances and let the informed co-hosts do all the movie talk from now on. That would be much better, don’t you all think? I’m thinking Louis B. won’t be interested in this dismal dog for much longer after today’s movie review performance by the Dynamic Duo.

Is anyone else besides me fed up with the sing-song intermezzos produced by Toto Sloan or Slone or whatever she’s calling herself today? I characterize each outbreak as a fart that just can’t be held back any longer. Suddenly, she just has to let go and break sing-song wind.

Keep me posted, dear reader.

*     *     *

Your morning show is literally  in the toilet. You need, without a doubt, all the support you can muster from your fellow employees to help you make it a success. Yet you continue to harangue someone about something you shamed him for yesterday. (Yes, this is about Daniel the weather man and his off-camera gum disposal technique.) My sense would be to ignore the incident today, not talk about it first thing off the top of the show. But that’s only me.

Oh, someone uses a stage name. Whatever. No wonder the publicity/press releases/newspaper articles don’t make any sense. Could we just pick one name and stick with it? Or is that a concept that would be just too simple for the fawning masses to comprehend?

*     *     *

No shit, folks, the word for the day is honeybucket – or, for the uninitiated, portapotty. How apropos given what this show has become. (The two clowns actually opened this morning’s show with a discussion about the foregoing. I couldn’t believe it. This is supposed to be a breakfast television show?)

I don’t know about the rest of the viewing audience, but I don’t need a discussion about scat first thing in the morning. Look it up if you don’t know what it is.

How to make co-workers absolutely hate you: force one to do something that no one in the viewing audience would have known anything about. They absolutely shamed a co-worker on-camera, not a good way to endear yourself to your fellow employees.

These two are completely clueless – but then, I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know, am I, dear viewer/reader?

*     *     *

Thankfully, Jill is rippin’ it with the Foobar crew today! My mute button is being feverishly pressed every time she appears onscreen. As far as the rest of the show goes, well, you all know how I feel about that (thus the search for the mute button).

*     *     *

What I learn every day from this show: How to quickly find my mute button while snoozing. (Yes, folks, it’s a giant snooze-fest.)

*     *     *

This thing is completely unwatchable, no matter on what day/week/month you tune in. Tune it out. Change the channel. Turn it off. The show isn’t worthy of an audience. Any audience. Go and get ready for work. Take a walk. Go for a run. Get the kids ready for school. Wash the car. Put in a cd. Play a computer game. Update your Facebook page. Write a letter. All of that will make for the beginning of a much better day.

*     *     *

Fellow hillbillies, it’s time once again for the singing duo of Tora and Zane. What do we have to look forward to this week? Is anyone watching? Does anyone care? Will viewer #9 from last week come forward and identify himself?

Thursday, September 23

The Bourne Identity is running on Movie Central Encore. At 7 a.m.,  a Glades re-run is featured on A&E. At 8, I Dreamed of Africa starts on Encore.

Andrew Schultz can’t return too soon.

Wednesday, September 22

Yes, people, Andrew Schultz is gone for a couple of weeks, and as you all can see, it’s about as bad as it gets. A rhetorical question: Can this dog get any more fleas than it has already collected? Believe me, if you’ve been watching, words are not enough; it has to be seen to be believed. So then, faithless reader, in case you’ve been tuned out (and I know you can’t, because, like me, you must watch the wreck), tune in!

Here’s hoping Andy has a successful audition in order that he might escape the travesty this thing has become.

Thankfully, Jill Belland has remained behind to hold the fort, and today she’s doing a most interesting series from the Cirque du soleil stage in Calgary. Unfortunately for all of us, Jill isn’t given enough daily air time. Were it not for her, I’d be switching the channel. The bad news: Even Jill isn’t enough to keep an audience hanging around until her next segment.

Friday, September 17

The morning television show that has become a nightmare for Calgary and southern Alberta hillbilly viewers appears to be off the rails in Toronto’s offices of Rogers Media TV as well. The Rogers press release for the show lineup can’t even get the new co-host’s name right.

Tara Sloan, an entertainment powerhouse herself, is well suited to co-host … Rogers TV Sales, September 2, 2010 (emphasis mine)

Here it is. And here it is again in a PDF file. Not once, but twice. Go figure. Check now, because I’m certain it won’t last long now that I’ve pointed it out.

And that, fickle reader, pretty much sums it all up.

Thursday, September 16

Today I’d like to thank all the fanboys and girls for coming by to check out my comments on the dog and pony show travesty that BT Calgary has become over the past month or so. Believe me when I say that I feel your pain, and, unfortunately, I don’t think the pain will be going away any time soon.

Don’t believe me? Just tune in to BT Calgary and watch it unfold today, and tomorrow, and next week …

Apparently, the big boss was here yesterday. Did he pat them all on the back for a transition well done, or did he throw up his hands, sigh, and enter a phone booth to begin making calls to advertisers, begging forgiveness? We’ll never know.

Although …

There is, however, one thing worse than this show, and that’s Yoko Ono and a microphone. Minus her late husband, she would be nothing more than a minor footnote to greatness.

Jesus, we’ve just been subjected to a commercial during which some muscle-bound jock feels the need to tell us all how often we should have a bowel movement. I think it’s rather appropriate, given what the show has become.

It would appear that the phone calls to advertisers the big boss made from the telephone booth yesterday weren’t all that effective.

< uncontrollable laughter >

I think I’m pretty much done for today.

Wednesday, September 15

“Don’t fire me. It’s only my second week.”

You moron, you should never have been here in the first place, but thanks to some other moron(s), the hillbilly viewers in Calgary have to deal with you now.

Apparently, the big boss is in town today. I wonder if he was witness, via video feed, to yesterday’s chicken dance? I’d like to be a fly on the wall for today’s morning meeting. Will someone, anyone clue the big boss in?

Inquiring minds are demanding to know how this travesty can be allowed to continue. What the hell is going on? Why has a once dynamic, interesting and watchable morning television show in Calgary been allowed to turn into the disaster it has become? Is anyone in management aware of what has happened to BT Calgary? Does anyone in management care?

Now that the big boss is in town, will anything change? Will much backslapping and congratulations ensue on the successful transition of the show? Will Toto and Zane be allowed to continue their chicken dance down the ratings toilet? I’m not hopeful that any change will result.

Zane feels the need to tell us all how great it is to be living in Calgary. We know, Zane, we know how nice it is to live in Calgary. After all, we’ve all lived here for a while now. And in case we weren’t aware, Toto was kind enough to tell us all a couple of weeks ago how great it was to be from somewhere else when she finally woke up and realized she wasn’t in Toronto any more – no matter how hard she rubbed her eyes and clicked her heels.

Andy will be off to Phoenix and New York. Is it possible that Andy has other opportunities? If so, he should have a lock on whatever he tries. (Note to Andy: Don’t include any clips of the past month or so.) Nah, we all know he’s smarter than that – unlike station management, who has no clue about Andrew Schultz’s abilities.

Toto became visibly annoyed when Andy stepped on her soliloquy. She obviously is completely unaware – nor does she care – that she does that to everyone else. Constantly.

The two of them can’t even segue into the weather. Giggling, laughing and snide comments just don’t cut it. Have you no training? Obviously not. Andy is too good for this.

Today’s two-word show descriptor: Oh god. (Sorry, God.)

She’s breaking into song again. Shut up. Just. Shut. Up.

The show has a producer! I know, because he was just mentioned. Will the big boss fire him for not having the balls to stop this travesty? Will the big boss turn into the big boob for not having the balls to put an end to this circus sideshow?

A trip to New York with Toto? Umm, could I get a trip to New York with Andy and Jill? That would be much more fun, I’m sure.

Andy, don’t encourage Toto to break into song. Please. I know it’s a joke for all of us to enjoy, but please?

Whose idea was it to let Toto be the sports sidekick? Fire him too, because even the five or six remaining viewers know that she’s incapable.

Toto’s business sidekick comments (I’m quoting here.): Yes. Hmm. Wow. Wow. Wow.  Uh-huh. Yeah.

It’s not fair. This morning Jill is having more fun doing her segments than the viewers are having watching what remains of this joke float down the toilet.

Oooooh. The gadget guy follows the weather. Something to actually look forward to. Let Andy talk, Zane. Okay, Zane, now it’s your turn. Now let Mike Yawney talk. That’s it. No, no, let Mike talk! Where’s the big boob, err, big boss when you really need him? He’s probably in the green room congratulating Toto on her show’s success.

Good grief, Zane can’t even ad lib the weather. Shut up. Just. Shut. Up.

Today’s two-word revised show descriptor: Oh god. (Sorry, God.) Just. Shut. Up.

Jesus, she’s breaking into song yet again. Shut up. Just. Shut. Up.

Toto, no one cares whether you got a trivia question right during Jill’s segment.

Oh god, now she’s got her Facebook page on-screen.

I have a suggestion for the big boob in town today: make the show all about Toto. That will be guaranteed to rock the station. I have another suggestion for the big boob: pull the plug immediately and start showing something worth watching. Some film noir would help, and advertisers might actually flock to the three hour program hole you have now. Hell, even a 30-year-old movie would be better than the mess you have now.

What I learned today: Even the big boob won’t be able to teach this dog any new tricks.

Tuesday, September 14

Vagina, Regina, Virginia. Whatever works for ya there, Zane. That stunned look of disbelief on Jill’s face was worth every hour of the show so far this morning, and it’s only 17 minutes into it.

Keep on smiling, Jill, because it’s never going to get any better than this.

Jesus, they are letting #1 help Andrew with the sports. She is now Andy’s sports sidekick. Doesn’t she know that it doesn’t befit the star of the show to lower herself to the status of lowly sidekick? Note to station management: Andy doesn’t need any help with the sports, especially by someone who doesn’t know how to pronounce names. Ahh, who really cares? The only people watching now are doing so for the pathetic comedy effect.

I was willing to give Zane a chance, but I just can’t watch him when he’s on-screen. I now understand why BT Vancouver bounced Zane to Calgary for the Alberta hillbillies to deal with. To make matters worse, the unfortunate Andy is pinned between them this morning, with no avenue of escape. Do I detect visible squirming? Nah, it can’t be. Andy is far too professional for that.

My brainworm: Any time Tora breaks into spontaneous song. Good grief, who proposed this segment in the morning meeting? And who approved it? Let the segment die, puh-leeze. Although, it does allow Tora to break into song whenever she wishes. She wishes a lot. As the show’s main host, spontaneous song is written into her contract. And it’s going on for the entire show!

Today’s two-word show descriptor: cringe-inducing.

Sorry Andrew, Jill and the rest of you who are trying so hard to drag this thing up by its bootstraps. You just can’t do it. The show is beyond redemption. The only solution is to replace them both. A 25-year-old movie in this time slot wouldn’t hurt either. Better yet, some film noir.

Oh god, what is that man doing? He’s dancing? Strutting? Doing the twist? Having an epileptic fit? (My apologies, epilepsy-sufferers of the world.) Now he’s in front of the camera doing it! Cringe-inducing just doesn’t cut it any more this morning.

The shark has been jumped, faithless reader.

This thing is so bad that I can’t even bring myself to change the channel. I must watch it endlessly circle and finally float down the drain, like the giant turd it has become.

If I may be so bold as to badly paraphrase Dante: Abandon ship, all ye who are employed here.

Monday, September 13

Doode and doodette, leave Justin Bieber alone. He’s like 12 or something. What we really need around here is practice, practice, practice, and I’m not directing that towards Justin. A little lip syncing on this show wouldn’t hurt. Picking on a 16-year-old child might make you feel good, but it’s just tactless and tacky.

This week, it looks like station management has promoted Andrew. Once a slowly disappearing co-host, it appears that Andy has now been directed to appear on-screen as the third stooge. (Sorry, Andy.) Whether this will be a smart move on management’s part is unknown, but if I may be so bold as to hazard a guess: it ain’t gonna work for this flea-bitten dog.

Is it my imagination, or is Andy doing the weather a lot more often to kill air time? I noticed this last week, but I wasn’t sure. Now I think it’s actually happening.

Jill Belland was in Edmonton to cover the Canadian CMAs. Consequently, this morning’s viewers (well, all right, me, at the very least) are hoping much of the dead air time will be filled by her interviews and commentary on last evening’s proceedings. So far, so good.

Andy sits in wide-eyed amazement as the dynamic duo fumble the birthday announcements. I’m with you on that, Andy.

Jill is back with more CCMA interviews. Thank you, lord!

Oh god, Tora is the sports sidekick now.

In order to prevent Andrew from falling off of the edge of the desk and out of the shot, they’ve gone to rounded corners. Bonus: it allows Tora to have more room for her scripting sheets to be scattered over and under the entire desk.

Jill, your comment on Brooke Hogan laying tracks wherever she goes was priceless!

Note to Tora: spontaneous song isn’t going to get you to the CCMAs any time soon. They’re over for this year.

Now we’re back to making fun of Justin Bieber and telling him how he should conduct himself on-stage. Give me a break. The kid is 16. Move on, peeps. Just. Move. On.

Advertisers have got to be watching this stupidity and shaking their heads. How long will it be before this three-hour time slot will be replaced with a 25-year-old movie for the hillbillies? We certainly deserve better than this.

Seven minutes and it’s over, folks, but first Jill will wrap it up for the CCMAs. Tora and Zane don’t get it, but they’re in the presence of greatness when she is doing her show segments. Jill will be long gone before those two will even notice her absence.

Will Andy be allowed to have another go at the weather to kill some time?

No.

What did I learn today? I learned that no matter how hard some people try, they just can’t turn a sow’s ear into a purse – silk or canvas.

*     *     *

For those of you wondering about Zain, let it be known henceforth and forever that he is forever gone. Unfortunately, Zain’s inability to keep his mouth shut combined with a set of ears that were incapable of hearing what was spewing forth allowed the motormouth to write his own ticket to obscurity in the Rogers TeeVee empire. Buh-bye bubblehead.

Disclaimer

If I may be allowed to clear up a few inconsistencies for the comment speculators out there:

• My lifelong career has been in its entirety uninvolved with television, radio or the arts, other than as a viewer. I do not know, nor have I ever known, anyone in those industries. I am not, nor have I ever been, a failed applicant for a morning, afternoon, evening or nighttime television show. I did not apply for a co-host job with BT Television. So bite me.
• It has been brought to my attention in the comments below by Downunder, a suspected family member of one or the other host of an early-morning Calgary breakfast television show, that I may be suffering from a syndrome of sorts, namely that of the Tall Poppy. Far be it for me to agree with anyone reading this tripe, especially when such a person disagrees with the premise of the postings I so lovingly create. I am shocked and appalled at such a claim being made by persons unknown to me, and I would like to take this opportunity to strongly deny such an accusation. In fact, I call poppycock on the part of the accuser.
• In other words, grow a skin.

Now back to my regularly scheduled tirade. Return to top