* * * SPOILER ALERT * * *

Sad-sack man-child Tom Neal’s character schtick wears thin on his canary girlfriend when she deserts him for greener pastures. She indeed finds those pastures, fame, and fortune whilst  waiting tables in a L.A. hash joint. Al just doesn’t get it when she ghosts him, so, with lips and fingers moving,  he heads off in search, penniless and with a suitcase he can’t manage to keep closed with rope. It’s no wonder she departed.

Unable to keep out of the rain, poor miserable Al kills his benefactor. That move sort of copies Tom’s actual life, when he’s jailed for shooting wife number whatever in the back of the head in what any male in America calls “A good man with a gun”.

But I digress.

This dog doesn’t start moving until Vera arrives, a delicious-looking bit of road candy who hitch-hikes a ride with a depressed , sad-faced Al in his stolen car, looking for a pick-me-up. Vera, who can actually act, is able to read the room, or, in this case, the car, and takes charge of Al. She leads the desperate sad-sack on an never-ending adventure that even I can appreciate. I could probably act it better than Al, too. That’s saying something, considering the closest I ever got to Hollywood was riding through on the 101.

This thing is quite enjoyable once Vera arrives on-scene. Still, I wanted to punch Al in the face more than a few times.

* * * SPOILER ALERT * * *

A black man is allowed to teach history in a mythical communist, err, community, located somewhere on the best coast. Or the mountains. Pensive teenagers take notes while earnest paratroops land and create havoc by shooting up a variety of muscle cars in the school parking lot.

Traitors Democrats Communists Americans The Mayor votes to surrender to the Cossacks as hordes of illegals cross the border and swarm the state’s gun shops to confiscate registered weapons. Dissenters are relegated to the gulag and cages staffed by CBP regulars.

Dad gives the “Buck up” speech and begs to be avenged. Everyone loves everyone else. Ben Johnson spells it out for the loyal Republicans still on the loose and hands over family heirlooms. And horses. Uppity white wimmins almost cause the loyalist Republicans to be captured when they refuse to do laundry for de menfolk.

Nuns pray in the background as holes are dug. Communists Democrats Communists sing patriotic ditties while being machine-gunned via the ubiquitous African Credit Card. The Mayor covers his eyes and looks sad.

Hearts and minds. Thoughts and prayers. And horses.

Wait. Wut? Charlie Sheen? Is that you?

*  * * SPOILER ALERT * * *

Yeah, I know. Not a movie.

I found this little gem on Vumoo and I had to tune in. I wasn’t disappointed when bodies began to stack up like cordwood on a New England back yard in the fall – except we’re in Spain.  We don’t know why, yet.

Erin (Evin Ahmad) and her daughter are witnesses to a grocery-store robbery gone wrong. A man ends up dead. An accomplice to the robbery shows up to declare that she knows Erin. Erin denies it, of course. The accomplice doesn’t take no for an answer, and, consequently, we have another body.

Meanwhile, Erin is looking to get a permanent teaching position at an exclusive school where she has been filling in. She shows up late for the interview because – you guessed it, yet another body falls into the picture. And this is only episode two.

See what I mean? Just who is this Erin Carter, anyway? Why has she been in Barcelona for five years and not learned a single word of the language?

It’s not great. It’s not deep. It’s full of cliches. But if you want to suspend disbelief and have fun…

Available on Netflix, too.

In A Lonely Place?

It Happened One Night?

*** The Killing?

* * * SPOILER ALERT * * *

All righty then. It’s The Killing, where a just-released Stirling Hayden is architect of a plan to clean out a racetrack’s cash. Greedy Vargas-girl Marie Windsor cheats on her husband, milquetoast Elisha Cook, by revealing the plan to her lover, Vince Edwards. Needless to say, it does not go well for all concerned, but then, that’s film noir, isn’t it?

*** Not to be confused with The Killers, starring Burt Lancaster and Ava Gardner.

* * * SPOILER ALERT * * *

Jimmy finds himself living in a massage parlor, where the only masseuse he can afford is a Ma Kettle lookalike. Unable to stand Grace Kelly for more than a minute, the impenetrably dense (nothing new there) misogynist attempts to chase her off for seemingly more interesting people across the back lot’s courtyard.

This is the only movie in which Jimmy has conquered stuttering, fumbling and fussing, much to the dismay of his fans and co-star, I’m sure. Oh, and the ever-faithful Oleg wasn’t around to dress her. That was left to Edith Head.

* * * SPOILER ALERT * * *

Every movie monster generated since the beginning of time comes home to roost.