* * * SPOILER ALERT * * *

CITIZENS: It’s the karate kids.

SHERIFF BRODY of the immaculate hair: I’ll get right on that.

COUNCILLORS: It’s not a shark!

SHERIFF BRODY otih: It’s sharks. They’re everywhere.

COUNCILLORS: It’s not a shark!

SHERIFF BRODY: Thinks his wife is a shark.

SHERIFF BRODY’S HARPY WIFE: Does my ass look fat in this bathing suit?

SHERIFF BRODY: Rules. And camel toe.

QUINN THE ESKIMO: Sharks!

THE SHARK GUY: It’s a shark!

SHERIFF BRODY: It’s not a shark.

THE SHARK GUY: Bite radius.

COUNCILLORS: It’s a fish.

WOMAN IN BLACK: It’s all SHERIFF BRODY’s fault.

THE SHARK GUY: Red or white. What will it be?

SHERIFF BRODY: Does my wife’s ass look fat in that bathing shit?

THE SHARK GUY: Camel toe. Let’s cut the not-the-shark open. The shark ate the boat.

EVERYONE: Shark!

QUINN THE ESKIMO: Let us have another drink.

NRA: The only thing that stops a big bad fish is a good NRA man with a gun.

* * * SPOILER ALERT * * *

An unknown beast harasses a nudist colony out in the desert. When the lost colony is deserted by the locals who abhor nudies, the feds send in their lead Bigfoot expert. Unbeknownst

OH MY GOD

*** SPOILER ALERT ***

Word. Zippo®.

*** SPOILER ALERT ***

The girls are headed to the Camp Cheer Finals with their innocent widdle puppy. A strong, silent type hacks away with an electric chainsaw at an already dead* tree. (An electric chainsaw. No blue smoke or noise. This is California after all.) Pussy.

Miscellaneous tools. Hillbillies. Cool dudes with facial hair. Electrical cord bandoleros. Yoyos. WTF? Yoyos? Saddles. A pet raven. Popsicles.

* No live trees were damaged by the feelming of this movie.

*** SPOILER ALERT ***

This snorefest was filmed in April in Winnipeg, which any Canadian with half of a frozen brain recognizes as Winterpeg. Six months of winter, followed by another six of bad sledding is not untrue. Then there’s the six months of mosquitoes. And a year of provincial government auto insurance no one can afford. Plus a lifetime spent in a province right next door to Saskatchewan.

If all that isn’t pleasant enough for someone to imagine, then there’s Keanannnu’s face. I tried my best, but I couldn’t keep from stealthily approaching the screen whilst withdrawing my trusty Texas™ Alamo™ Bowie™ 12-incher™ from inside my underpants™. While Keanannnu was having sex, and in an attempt to force the actor into a facial expression related to the scene he was portraying, I hacked away at his backside.I’m sure I don’t have to say that it was all to no avail.

Eventually, the viewing audience calmed down and the theater manager approached. He explained that Keanannnu’s “acting face” was in fact being portrayed throughout the feelm, and my feeble attempt at forcing Kenny to move a facial muscle was wasted. Consequently, I demanded my money back before the police arrived to shut down the feelm for breach of acting integrity.

I was subjected to a pleasant ride downtown in the back seat.