“The homeland”, whatever the fuck that is, is safe for now. You all can keep on keeping on brushing your tooth.

“We are not aware of a specific [toothpaste] threat to the homeland at this time [but we keep on keeping up hope],” Der Homeland Stasi said. “This routine communication is an important part of our commitment to making sure we meet that priority.” –Der Homeland Stasi, otherwise known as Der Homelant St, err, The Department of Homeland Security, or some shit like that.

Shouldn’t “the H” be capitalized, as in The Homeland? How remiss of The Stasi not to get it right. Will someone please find a literate Republican to form a Congressional committee to investigate this transgression? kthx

As of this moment, there is no word on any recent mall or school shootings, but I’m certain that will change imminently.