That’ll make ’em think they’re safe.

• No standing up during the last hour of the flight.
• No en-route access to flight information .
• No access to overhead bins.
• No blankies.
• No pillows.
• No going to the bathroom.
• No getting out of your seat.
• Keep your hands in plain sight, and for goodness’ sake, don’t raise one to ask to go to the bathroom, or you’ll be put on a no-fly list (which is probably a blessing in disguise these days). Or worse, you’ll be manhandled, shackled and treated like a common criminal, even if you are an 80-year-old grandmother who doesn’t wear a diaper.

And finally,

• do not under any circumstance, reach into or scratch your crotch!

What the hell!? Are we all back in grade skool, where we need permission to pick our noses and scratch our asses?

Oh, and unnamed (because they’re afraid they’ll be lynched) “government officials” aren’t talking about the restrictions, in case, you know, some incontinent grandmother from Temecula might want to disrupt a flight by using a washroom. The temerity!

Did anyone think to tell the guilty schoolchildren getting off of the flights that they’re not supposed to talk about such childish things to the ever-vigilant media asshats? Round those dogggies bastards passengers  up, chain them together, put their names on all of the no-fly lists that can be found, and pack them off to Guantanamo – or to some prison in Illinois where citizens need the work.

Joe Sharkey puts it all in perspective.