You just have to love the environmentalists among us – even the ones in the motherland, if you’ll pardon the pun. Here are samples of the awe-inspiring, jaw-dropping, world-wide non-events that we should be concerned about, according to Leo & Lucy of the guardian.uk. Or, more likely, those items appealing to fast-disappearing newspaper subscribers in the internet age, apropos of a going-green column.

• Pesky Christmas lights. Should we dump them in favor of, umm, something that burns less energy, but costs us more money to replace? Oh why not? It’s only money. And a class thing as well, if you light up your entire house. A class thing? What’s with that?
• Now then, you’re wanting to be a tourist, are you? Planning on flying or taking a barge home for Christmas? With all that pollution you emit on your aeroplane, ocean liner, truck, van, automobile? Then find a sleigh, a horse, a feed-bag and a shit-bag and tour locally. Added bonus: What goes in the front end and comes out the back can be burned for heat.
• After all that, are you still wanting to put up a tree? What about those poor Georgian natives, slaving away on treetops to ensure enough seed for Denmark to grow it for you?
• Are you anxiously awaiting that Christmas card or parcel from a friend or loved-one? They don’t appear to have a green solution for that one, other than, Postman, tune up your vehicle. As for gift wrap, recycle those old scandal sheets.
• Those pesky plastic grocery bags must be replaced by paper. Does anyone not know someone who doesn’t use them for garbage bags? Now that’s recycling.
• Using a coal fire to stay warm? Nuh-uh. Use wood instead. That is, if you can find any in the forests of Great Britain, long-ago denuded by those eco-friendly ship builders of yore.
• Santa and his reindeer are another problem entirely. How much does it cost NORAD to track this Christmas abomination from the North Pole to various and sundry countries around the world? Let’s give his animals back to the Laplanders and sweep Santa Claus into the dustbin of Christmas past.

Oh yes, I know. Canada has a monstrously huge carbon-emission footprint. Really? Just how huge would that monstrously huge carbon-emission footprint be, Canadian?

Why, it’s two per-cent of the world’s problem. Yes, you heard me right. Two per-cent.

Now then, just how much money should I be spending to reduce that to 1.5 percent? One percent? Zero? Is zero, in fact, realistic for any country? I doubt it very much.

Come on, how much should I be spending? How much should my government be spending to reduce an absolutely meaningless two per-cent emission problem to, say, one per-cent?

I’d bet good money that the cooking fires, tire fires, camp fires and dump fires in all of Africa emit more pollution than Canada. Let’s get those Dark Continent polluters to do their bit for the environment forthwith.

Oh wait, we can’t. They get a pass because they’re already living in filth and starvation, as they have for thousands of years. Perhaps we should send them a few of our extra plastic garbage bags and show those Africans how to clean up their act.

Good luck with that.