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Apple pan dowdy and fresh-baked Johnny Appleseed (otherwise known as Richard Conte) ends up in a hooker high-rise on the San Francisco waterfront when Rica (Valentina Cortese) takes a shine to him. Wasting away in the hotel paradise, Johnny is unable to move his illegally parked truckload of Golden produce. Crooked as roll of bailing wire Figlia (Lee J. Cobb) helps himself to the goods. Following a game of noughts and crosses played on Johnny’s chest (don’t ask, I only watch it), high-rise action climbs to new heights. The elevator is interrupted when Rica reveals to hillbilly Johnny his apples are being sold out from under him.

On collecting his due, Johnny can’t keep news of his good fortune to himself. He tells the world while on a phone call to his good girl back home. Everyone in the bar full of crooks, thieves and sweater-girl Rica applauds his buena fortuna. Mayhem ensues, but Johnny knows he’s found a hooker with a heart made of apples.

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Calling Barranca. Calling Barranca. It’s raining. It’s foggy. I don’t think anyone can get through the pass but for the donkey.

Cue the donkey trying to chew away at the whoever he is. Why can’t we see more of the donkey?

Cary Grant, still uptight with a shirt buttoned to the very top until he dons his silk scarf, should have taken a cue from his close pal, Randy Randolph Randy Scott and hand-rolled a cigarette while thinking about things for a while. These guys go through more airplanes than a war based on the Domino Theory. The runway has more water on it than Lake Superior.  Dead pilots pile up faster than the audience can count.

Just what is it about Cary Grant that no matter the movie, that tightass never once unbuttoned his shirt, undid his tie, and opened his suit coat? JFC, but being chased by a crop duster, blown up by a tanker truck, and sliding down some dead president’s nose didn’t tear the arse or the collar button off of the man. Was he covered in hickeys?

But I digress. That’s a different movie. Or is it?

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A gunfight in a hospital. A hospital parkade getaway while driving with no arms. A chance encounter with a forklift. All that plus Carla Gugino, Michelle Yeoh, Lena Headey, Angela Bassett and Paul Giamatti. And don’t forget that low-mileage Volkswagen  camper van. All to get a simple library card. You need weapons to go with that? Take a look under self-help. But don’t allow any of that to confuse you.  It’s all  about mother-daughter bonding.

Anyone for a bit of gutterball bowling?

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Sad-sack man-child Tom Neal’s character schtick wears thin on his canary girlfriend when she deserts him for greener pastures. She indeed finds those pastures, fame, and fortune whilst  waiting tables in a L.A. hash joint. Al just doesn’t get it when she ghosts him, so, with lips and fingers moving,  he heads off in search, penniless and with a suitcase he can’t manage to keep closed with rope. It’s no wonder she departed.

Unable to keep out of the rain, poor miserable Al kills his benefactor. That move sort of copies Tom’s actual life, when he’s jailed for shooting wife number whatever in the back of the head in what any male in America calls “A good man with a gun”.

But I digress.

This dog doesn’t start moving until Vera arrives, a delicious-looking bit of road candy who hitch-hikes a ride with a depressed , sad-faced Al in his stolen car, looking for a pick-me-up. Vera, who can actually act, is able to read the room, or, in this case, the car, and takes charge of Al. She leads the desperate sad-sack on an never-ending adventure that even I can appreciate. I could probably act it better than Al, too. That’s saying something, considering the closest I ever got to Hollywood was riding through on the 101.

This thing is quite enjoyable once Vera arrives on-scene. Still, I wanted to punch Al in the face more than a few times.

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A black man is allowed to teach history in a mythical communist, err, community, located somewhere on the best coast. Or the mountains. Pensive teenagers take notes while earnest paratroops land and create havoc by shooting up a variety of muscle cars in the school parking lot.

Traitors Democrats Communists Americans The Mayor votes to surrender to the Cossacks as hordes of illegals cross the border and swarm the state’s gun shops to confiscate registered weapons. Dissenters are relegated to the gulag and cages staffed by CBP regulars.

Dad gives the “Buck up” speech and begs to be avenged. Everyone loves everyone else. Ben Johnson spells it out for the loyal Republicans still on the loose and hands over family heirlooms. And horses. Uppity white wimmins almost cause the loyalist Republicans to be captured when they refuse to do laundry for de menfolk.

Nuns pray in the background as holes are dug. Communists Democrats Communists sing patriotic ditties while being machine-gunned via the ubiquitous African Credit Card. The Mayor covers his eyes and looks sad.

Hearts and minds. Thoughts and prayers. And horses.

Wait. Wut? Charlie Sheen? Is that you?

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Yeah, I know. Not a movie.

I found this little gem on Vumoo and I had to tune in. I wasn’t disappointed when bodies began to stack up like cordwood on a New England back yard in the fall – except we’re in Spain.  We don’t know why, yet.

Erin (Evin Ahmad) and her daughter are witnesses to a grocery-store robbery gone wrong. A man ends up dead. An accomplice to the robbery shows up to declare that she knows Erin. Erin denies it, of course. The accomplice doesn’t take no for an answer, and, consequently, we have another body.

Meanwhile, Erin is looking to get a permanent teaching position at an exclusive school where she has been filling in. She shows up late for the interview because – you guessed it, yet another body falls into the picture. And this is only episode two.

See what I mean? Just who is this Erin Carter, anyway? Why has she been in Barcelona for five years and not learned a single word of the language?

It’s not great. It’s not deep. It’s full of cliches. But if you want to suspend disbelief and have fun…

Available on Netflix, too.