Film Stars Don’t Die In Liverpool

*** SPOILER ALERT ***

An aging actress, whose last meal was eaten in 1995, and hasn’t had her hair done since, ventures forth to Liverpool to play a ’40s movie star. She will move into a house filled with strangers, fully intending to die there. And who wouldn’t in a horrid place that hasn’t had a wallpaper or paint makeover since the ’30s. Even the sheets on the beds are color-coordinated and just as ragged. But it’s Britain. The entire country is like that.

God save Camilla. Stiff upper lip and all that.

Annihilation

*** SPOILER ALERT ***

See Natalie Portman acting wander around in a slo-mo daze sleepwalking for two – count’em, TWO – freaking hours. I didn’t spend that much time with her. Fortunately, I was able to borrow a pencil. I gouged BOTH of my eyes out with sharp, pointy lead after the first twenty minutes.

If you pay good money for this dog, I recommend you do the same after you find your seat. Be sure you have someone to lead you home at the end of this travesty.

Cuatro estaciones en La Habana

(Four Seasons in Havana)

*** SPOILER ALERT ***

Television film noir for grownups at its best. Dim lighting. Hookers. Liars. Cheats. Thieves. Murderers. We even get a little jazz. The soundtrack alone is worth a listen. The visuals are fantastic. We also get a firsthand look at how America has been fucking over Cuba, nothing more than a cork floating in the middle of an ocean, for generations.

/begin political rant

It pleases me greatly to see America now doing to itself what it has been doing to so many other countries for a hundred years. It’s not even using lube.

But I digress.

The Snowman

SNOWMAN

*** SPOILER ALERT ***

  1. NORWAY, as we all know, is a freezing, frost-bitten shithole where everyone braces their coffee with hard likker.
  2. In NORWAY, people randomly throw snowballs at one another. Living room windows are prime targets.
  3. NORWAY is also home to Commie socialist pigs and free healthcare for all.
  4. Thank goodness. NORWEGIANS smoke all the time.
  5. NORWEGIAN children build their SNOWMEN facing their houses in order that they keep an eye on mummy and daddy whilst asleep in their beds.
  6. There are no window shades on any bedroom or living room in any home in that nudist-and-sauna-loving NORWEGIAN cesspit of immorality. (Not to be confused with FINLAND.)
  7. Every children’s bedroom has a window into their parents’ bedroom. It permits them to keep an eye on mummy or daddy screwing the shit out of their neighbor. Good times for all.
  8. In NORWAY, everyone knows how to skate.
  9. In NORWAY, there are no murders. Everyone commits suicide by shotgun.
  10. Chloe Sevigny? In coveralls? Seriously?
  11. Coffee beans (see #1).
  12. In NORWAY, the women all dress in woolens (see #1).
  13. NORWEGIAN children are annoying (see #1).
  14. NORWEGIAN police officers never report in (see #1).
  15. NORWEGIAN police officers never call for backup (see #1).
  16. There is no cell phone reception in NORWAY (see #1).
  17. Val Kilmer. WTF! Val Kilmer? Old Val has subjected himself to too much plastic surgery.