It is official. I am bored.*

This morning, I made my very-early a.m. cup of green tea with the usual substantial infusion of fresh ginger root. I sat to do several paragraphs, and then, so eagerly anticipating that first sip of green tea nectar, reached to put cup to lips.

Imagine my shock when all I couldn’t taste was hot water. It is absolutely, terrifyingly unimaginable, is it not?

Please send condolences, cards, letters of commiseration, flowers and/or treasures to Box 13, Nara Visa.

Note to self for next time:

  1. Put ginger root in cup.
  2. Put tea bag in cup.
  3. Place cup under Tassimo.

* Or, suffering from early-onset Old-Timers’ Disease.

The magnitude of the observation goes unrecognized

My bags are packed, I’m ready to go

Dawn is breakin’, the taxi’s waitin’ *

Or some shit like that.

And it’s all because of cake crack, which, for all I know, could also resemble plumber’s crack.

A Scottsdale family on Wednesday said their cheesecake is a Christmas miracle.

When they pulled the dessert out of the oven, it cracked as it cooled. According to the family, the cake crack resembles a crucifix. –

Talk is cheap. And it’s not Easter yet.

* With apologies to John Denver, who, having run out of airspeed, altitude and ideas all at the same time, smacked the waters of Monterey Bay.

Moving to Canada?

Here’s all you need to know:

Toque – A knit cap.

Donair – A meat-heavy, Turkish dish invented in Halifax.

Homo Milk – Come on, it’s homogenized, whole milk.

Parkade – It’s a building where you park.

Robertson Screwdriver – A screwdriver with a square tip.

Mickey – Half of a 26er. Like, a small part of a 40-pounder. Or, go pick up a two-four if you like beer.

Oh, I almost forgot. There’s one more thing. If you’re a jihadi rapper from Alabama and you know your ABCs, you might want to check out a Fodors or its equivalent before you start thinking that moving your lips moving to Toronto will get you to a pure Islamic society.