U.S. Pentagoon hiring personnel for new program

In light of the U.S. Pentagoon’s latest Insider Threat Program and the requirement to hire Insider inspectors, and because the Insider Threat Program will soon be adopted by Der Homeland Stasi, job ads are appearing in various publications deemed appropriate by Pentagoon rocket scientists. Following is a recent ad:

Major U.S. Government agency requires immediate assistance. Applicants should demonstrate a capability to find their way to work without bringing their wives/mothers to the office. Ex-Generals and maroons meeting only some of the requirements will be given preference. Such applicants must look good in photo ops while wearing fruit salad and/or scrambled eggs. Applicants must demonstrate complete ignorance of the Constitution (except for the first three words).


Use computer to send up to forty emails a day to each of the Chief of Staff’s multiple lovers. Count using ten fingers and eleven toes.


Read by following along with finger and by moving lips. Count to three using fingers and/or toes. Type using at minimum two fingers. Must be capable of determining difference between dick, David and Paula.


Current affairs, news, satire, comedy, talking points, misogyny, sexual harassment and how such access to each might be refused/applied to government employees and within agencies. It is not necessary to know the difference.


Not required.


Must be a fervent belieber capable of assessing the necessities of when to genuflect, kiss ass, suck dick and pat on the back. It is not necessary to know the difference, or when and how to apply such, as successful applicants will receive a handbook.


Must be willing to share washroom cubicles with workplace-mandated bathroom buddies.

The U.S. Government is an equal-opportunity employer. Atheists, Moose-lums, slackers, people with firing synapses and anyone it deems a traitor need not apply.

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