U.S. Pentagoon hiring personnel for new program

In light of the U.S. Pentagoon’s latest Insider Threat Program and the requirement to hire Insider inspectors, and because the Insider Threat Program will soon be adopted by Der Homeland Stasi, job ads are appearing in various publications deemed appropriate by Pentagoon rocket scientists. Following is a recent ad:

Major U.S. Government agency requires immediate assistance. Applicants should demonstrate a capability to find their way to work without bringing their wives/mothers to the office. Ex-Generals and maroons meeting only some of the requirements will be given preference. Such applicants must look good in photo ops while wearing fruit salad and/or scrambled eggs. Applicants must demonstrate complete ignorance of the Constitution (except for the first three words).


Use computer to send up to forty emails a day to each of the Chief of Staff’s multiple lovers. Count using ten fingers and eleven toes.


Read by following along with finger and by moving lips. Count to three using fingers and/or toes. Type using at minimum two fingers. Must be capable of determining difference between dick, David and Paula.


Current affairs, news, satire, comedy, talking points, misogyny, sexual harassment and how such access to each might be refused/applied to government employees and within agencies. It is not necessary to know the difference.


Not required.


Must be a fervent belieber capable of assessing the necessities of when to genuflect, kiss ass, suck dick and pat on the back. It is not necessary to know the difference, or when and how to apply such, as successful applicants will receive a handbook.


Must be willing to share washroom cubicles with workplace-mandated bathroom buddies.

The U.S. Government is an equal-opportunity employer. Atheists, Moose-lums, slackers, people with firing synapses and anyone it deems a traitor need not apply.

I am an enemy of the United States and damned proud of it

I read Salon.com and The Onion. Thank you, Amerika, for being so fucking stupid.

I relish the new classification of Enemy of the United States and the intense questioning by the dumb fucks “guarding” the sieve known as the American Canadian Mexican American border or whatever it’s called, depending on the flavor of the day and who’s doing the pissing leaking.

I can hear the questions already: Have you ever read Salon? Are you bringing any Onions into the country? (Obviously the dumb fuck who asks about transporting Onions watches Faux News.)

“It’s about people’s profiles, their approach to work, how they interact with management. Are they cheery? Are they looking at Salon.com or The Onion during their lunch break? This is about ‘The Stepford Wives,’” said a second senior Pentagon official, referring to online publications and a 1975 movie about robotically docile housewives. –some anonymous Insider Threat Program employee

Insider Threat Program? Stepford Wives? WTF is with that? When will Fox Faux News viewers be added to the list? If anyone is a threat, it’s the dumb fucks that watch that shit that deserve the fickle finger of the Insider Threat Program.

At least now ICP (the Insane Clown Posse) will get some long-needed relief from stupidity.