Calgary BT digs its hole

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For those of you wondering about Zain, let it be known henceforth and forever that he is forever gone. Unfortunately for Zain, his inability to keep his mouth shut combined with a set of ears that weren’t capable of hearing what he was saying allowed the motormouth to write his own ticket to obscurity in the Rogers TeeVee empire. Buh-bye dumbass.

Tuesday, September 7

Oh. My. God.

Allow me, if I may be so bold, to say that again.

Oh. My. God.

Unrelated, but when can we expect to see some pictures of the heterosexual parade?

And Jill, those toe socks are h.O.t. – the only bright spot in this, in this … excuse me while my head explodes.

Thankfully, Tara’s birthday will be over by tomorrow’s show, and the endless ass-kissing will be done with. Or perhaps not. I’m taking bets on whether or not Tara’s birthday festivities will be mentioned by Tara herself on tomorrow’s show. How many times, peeps?

Oh. My. God.

Wednesday, September 8

Yesterday’s recap: Oh.My.God.

Oh, all right then. Since we’re all suffering from PTSD, I won’t do a recap.

I’ve pretty much put my head back together after yesterday’s explosion, wiped down the monitor, and now this southern Alberta hillbilly is rarin’ to go for another look at Calgary BT’s all-new lineup! Should I wear a helmet for today’s show so that I can keep my shit together after yesterday’s head-exploding nonsense? I’m already wearing a life jacket. I know, I know, wearing a helmet and a life jacket may be overkill. However, I want to be certain that I don’t get sucked into the Bow River and drown alongside this dog that can’t swim.

So he-e-e-e-ere we go, fellow hillbillies…

No, it's not a real toilet. It's a porcelain miniature.

Susanne’s lovely parting gift has been re-incarnated in a miniature version. I don’t know about the rest of you faithless viewers, but toilet talk right off the mark doesn’t bode well for the remainder of the show. Could it be in the crapper already?

Excuse me while I take a bathroom break.

Does anyone else think that Andrew Schultz is looking a little wild-eyed this morning? Can anyone blame him? He probably wants to run away screaming, but he’s got it together too much to do that – at least first thing in the morning, at any rate.

Will someone please nudge me when something happens?

Sorry, Jill. I was taking a cat-nap during part of that Zumba display.

Is the show shilling for the gun control registry? If so, it’s barking up the wrong tree with the visuals of automatic weapons that were obviously unregistered and never legally owned by any law-abiding citizen. And yes, Tara, they are real guns.

Question: Over what period of time were the weapons on display collected?

Question: What penalty was paid by the possessors of these weapons when they went to court? They did go to court, right?

Question: Was the penalty for possession of these weapons bartered away in an effort to get a guaranteed conviction on a lesser offense?

Nobody asked.

It was, however, a nice, smiley photo op with much ohh-ing and aww-ing over all the really big guns.

And yes, you may call me Mr. Negative – in the event you haven’t already noticed.

I lost the bet! (Does anyone care?) Andy was the first to bring up yesterday’s birthday girl.

I’m not sure about this Zumba thing since I’m more of a slow-dancer myself. Zumba, slow-dancing; both probably get the blood flowing – one first thing in the morning, the other later on in the evening.

Mike Yawney wakes me up with his tech talk. In my opinion, Mike does a pretty good job. Does that mean that he too will eventually be replaced?

Today’s one-word summary of the show: …

Uhh, oh, sorry. I was taking another nap.

*     *     *

I don’t as a matter of course watch CityLine, which follows Calgary BT’s of late dog and pony show, but this morning I awoke from snoozing through a good portion of BT to watch Jill Belland appearing as co-host of CityLine in Toronto. Both today’s and tomorrow’s episodes were taped last week.

Jill did a great job. And she was lookin’ smart doing it. Don’t forget, fretful readers, Jill will be on tomorrow’s Thursday edition of CityLine too.

Is there any chance that Jill will get an opportunity for a permanent gig down there? Here’s hoping. I know, I know, it’s Toronto, but we all have to bite the bullet sometime.

Inquiring minds need to know these things.

Andy needs to get out of this mess too.

Thursday, September 9

Canada is one of the most giving nations in the world. In fact, we rank number three. That’s something to brag about, not knock. Link here.

The talented and entertaining Jill Belland will be wrasslin’ her demons in a cage this morning. Can’t wait to see that. No mercy, girl!

Yeah, well, apparently the hosts of this flophouse can’t be bothered to do their job, and like me yesterday, they’re snoozing through today’s segues. Wake up. You are not yet (nor will you ever be) popular enough to sleepwalk through your show.

What colour are your gloves, Jill?

When you’re done in the cage, perhaps you could wander back to the studio and attempt to smack some sense into the show’s two hosts. (Disclaimer: In no way do I subscribe to or promote workplace violence as a solution to an inherent lack of talent.) Oh all right. In this case, I’ve changed my mind. Sue me.

Jamie Farr appears to be a real class act. It’s unfortunate that there aren’t more like him in Hollywood.

Okay, well, there’s CityLine to watch at 9 a.m. Did I mention that Jill Belland will be co-hosting again today? Don’t miss it. Unfortunately, we have to suffer through another 90 minutes of giggling and laughing by two people who are too full of themselves.

The good: every once in a while Andrew Schultz is permitted to be on-screen to re-introduce some class to the show.

The bad: Arf!

Even Andy can’t keep this dog afloat.

Bring back cave-girl! Please!

KFC’s bargain bucket commercial kind of grabs me, although I’m not a fan of Kentucky Fried Ducky. Ooooooh, and there’s a new credit card coming out for all of us, with a PIN instead of a signature! Bombay furniture – live your way. Twizzlers! Twisty. Chewey. Fun. Egg management fees suck. Bite me, Revlon girl! Get your leaf bags at Canadian Tire. Home Depot has a kitchen for us all. Chevy has a new car for you. (No, not Chevy Chase.)

Mike Yawney is about to jump! Don’t do it, Mike. The show needs you!

Larry King has been wearing suspenders for so long that his collar bones have been pulled down to the level of his chest. Go figure.

Noooooo, Mike, the show needs you! Don’t do it! Never mind the good-natured verbal abuse from the wussies sitting in the studio, Mike. You’re doing a great rappel down the side of that building that no doubt looks to be a thousand feet tall.

Oh, look, we’re almost done! Next, Jill is up with CityLine. But first, more MMA action in the cage. Fallback: Andy with the weather one more time. Good on ya, you two.

*     *     *

Jill, I’m not sorry to say, on today’s CityLine has completely outclassed everyone – and this only in the first two minutes of the show. Someone isn’t going to be happy with you. Meh, but who cares about them anyway?

Friday, September 10

It’s hard to stay interested in this unmitigated disaster. The show has barely begun and already it’s unwatchable. As the days go by, it just gets worse – if that’s even possible. For those of you still watching, do I really have to spell it out?

This minute’s highlight: the gadget guy. Mike Yawney does an excellent job of explaining some of this stuff to the uninitiated, but really, should his segments be something to look forward to?

Yes! What else do we have left?

Let’s at least give Andrew a chance to open his mouth and say something before you start talking over him.

Today’s one-word show description: Disaster. And it’s only the 20 minute mark. I’m expecting Zane to show up any minute now to cement the issue.

My god, now she’s breaking into song. Will she dance too?

I’m looking forward to Mike McCourt’s news and business breaks.

Where is cavegirl? Cavegirl, please come back to set a proper tone for today’s show.

Today’s two-word show descriptor: Embarrassing disaster.

Dave Will’s traffic reports are most intriguing, and I don’t even live in Calgary. Imagine that. Although, what the Calgary hillbillies call traffic, I call Sunday drive after dealing with El Lay freeways for six years.

Today Jill Belland is in Edmonton at the CMAs (Country Music Awards). We have that to look forward to, fickle viewers.

I have the solution for this unmitigated disaster that will bring it to the attention of station management: Andy, Jill, Mike Y., Dave the traffic guy: Call in sick on Monday! When people start phoning in to decry the lack of anything watchable, surely someone in control will notice. Won’t they?

Does anyone besides me think that the swag bag for the CMAs is kinda tacky? Cupcakes? Backside enforcer? Scarf down the cupcakes and you won’t need the ass-bracer.

Jesus Christ those two aren’t coordinated enough to play table tennis. Umm, can someone tell me why two of the people who can actually play table tennis weren’t doing it on the segue?

I know, I know. I could switch to another channel, but then I’d miss the two fools and their comedy.

STOP INTERRUPTING THE WEATHER. AND THE SPORTS. SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

There! I got that off my chest.

Question for station owner and management: Have you hung yourselves yet? (Disclaimer: In no way do I want to appear to be an advocate for suicide.)

Holy shit, the radio clowns are back. YOU CAN’T SAVE THIS DISASTER by turning it into radio.

I apologize for yelling, faithless reader, but I can’t help it. Perhaps I should hang myself instead, since no one in management will cancel this travesty and show movies for three hours. (Disclaimer: In no way will this show ever be capable of encouraging me to hang myself. It’s entirely too entertaining in its cringe-worthiness.)

Ooooooooooooh. Tora has insinuated herself into the business report now. Christ on mighty, management, get her away from this show.

No, wait! I have a plan. Let her take over the entire show. Yes, that’s it! It has become patently obvious that everyone else isn’t pulling their weight. Less dogs, more Tora! And that other guy. He needs to be on more too. Weather, sports, business report, news, traffic. Allow The Two™ to do it all. That will certainly improve things.

Louis B. is back! Will #2 be capable of shutting up long enough to let Louis B. do his thing? Doubtful.

Aww. Tora likes Andy. Stop fawning. Get her off this show! And that other guy. Get him off this show too!

Am I capable of some constructive criticism? No! Not for this disaster.

Question for station management: Do any of you even watch the garbage that this show has become? Can you do something about this mess? Yes? No? Maybe so? Better yet, run with it as-is. Your only viewer is laughing his ass off. (With apologies to Jill, Andy, Mike Y., Dave the traffic guy and Mike M. Sorry, guys.)

Someone is giving away tickets to the CMAs to viewer? caller? emailer? #9. Eight other people are watching this disaster? Imagine that. Or, perhaps the tickets will be left for next year’s CMAs.

Andy, Jill, Mike Y., Dave the traffic guy, Mike M.: Go! Run! Crawl! Stumble! Jump! Get away! Escape! Just don’t trip each other in your haste to abandon ship. There is absolutely nothing that any of you can do to help this thing survive.

Stay tuned on Monday as Calgary Breakfast TV continues to dig its grave.

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